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Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: Survival Camp

Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: Survival Camp

By reidfaylor

This is probably the most dramatic “Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend” yet, because you guys really asked some good questions. I think I cried a couple times while writing the answers–it just made me think of some very beautiful stuff. I’m impressed with you guys. Let’s get into it!

FROM: foodoverlove and thePurpleRavenclaw (Wow! Two for one!)

How did you and Candace meet?

Candace and I met at an outdoor survival camp in the Rocky Mountains. As you’re well aware, I am a fully certified and well-credentialed outdoor survivalist who can survive in any conditions without any supplies. I can even eat worms and stuff–it’s very impressive. Even though I was only 16 at the time, a bunch of adults asked me to be a teacher at this survival camp for troubled youths, because they had read an article about me in Survival! Magazine, describing the time I survived for a month in the Appalachian trail by convincing a bear to let me live inside it. The article, titled “Bear Baby,” was the most popular article the magazine had ever had.

Anyway, Candace’s parents had enrolled her in this camp to try to give her some discipline. Up to this point, Candace had been an unruly teenage rebel. She cut classes, beat up cops and drug dealers, and she once even prank called the President. I remember first meeting her in the propeller plane we took to get to the isolated location for the camp. I saw her and thought, “Wow! This troubled youth is the prettiest most intelligent girl I’ve ever seen!” It reminded me of a dream I had once as a baby, in which Jesus told me I’d one day meet the love of my life in a propeller plane–I was sure this had to be the one. But before I could think about it much more, suddenly mid-air the pilot had a fatal heart attack and died! Everyone got really scared and started screaming, but I heroically took the controls and landed the plane. Though I’ve logged over 100 hours in flight time, the rocky terrain was a new challenge, and it took a toll on the landing gear–the wheel was busted, and the plane couldn’t take off again.

After this a bunch of other stuff happened–two of the youths got into a knife fight, one of them learned a lesson about depending on others when a bobcat attacked him, and I taught two boys in rival gangs to understand that we’re not so different after all. Through all this Candace got continually impressed with me, and we flirted pretty hardcore–winks, whispered conversations, the whole deal. But what really sealed the deal was when we had to fix the plane to take the bobcat-attacked youth to a hospital (otherwise he’d totally die), and I had to ingeniously rig together a mud track that would act as a natural runway for the plane. It was a crazy idea, but using common materials we made it work! Candace helped me the whole way, and we almost kissed once, which tantalized the audience. There was only enough room for the injured kid and me, so as the plane at the last possible second took to the air, I shouted from the window, “I’d like to go out with you, Candace!” She cried, “Yes! A thousand times yes!” And we’ve been together ever since. Our story has been turned into several movies, including The Notebook, Saving Private Ryan, and an episode of MacGyver.

FROM: Bookweirm

Who is your tailor? Do like that waiter? Do you eat taters?

Finally! A question that makes sense. Let me begin: my tailor is Dr. Gregory Pauling (he’s a doctor of tailoring). That waiter? That one over there? That waiter is great. And I do not eat potatoes, because of a traumatic incident in preschool in which I mistook mashed potatoes for vanilla ice cream, and they’ve tasted wrong and unnatural ever since. Though if that waiter served me some, I’d probably have to accept. He’s the best waiter ever.

FROM: sumsparkler

If you somehow lost your memory and woke up in a hospital bed to see Candace holding your hand, what would you think?

Here’s how I think it would happen: When I wake up, it’ll be after a few days where I’ve been unconscious, that way it’s extra dramatic when I finally come to. My eyes would slowly crack open, and everyone in the room would get all excited shouting stuff like, “He’s awake! Oh gosh he’s finally awake!” At this point I’d realize there’s an amazingly beautiful woman sitting on my bed, holding my hand, and I’d naturally say something really sweet and beautiful.

“Am … am I in heaven?” I’d whisper.

“No, my sweet Reidy-dee, you’re in a hospital.”

“Then how come,” a single tear would fall down my cheek, “I’m seeing an angel?”

This is when everyone in the room would start to cry, even the dog, which is really difficult for dogs to do. Even though my memory is gone, I feel like the word “Candace” would flash in my brain, and I’d say it out loud, and she’d be all “You remember me?” and I’d be all “I don’t know, you seem very … familiar.” Then, using our tremendous love, we’d slowly restore my memory. That’s when I’d reveal the dramatic twist ending: I did this to myself, just so I could experience again the joy of meeting Candace for the first time. Everyone would start crying again, because that’s the most romantic thing ever.

That’s it for this week! As usual, leave questions in the comments, and I’ll answer as many as I can next week. And as always: I love you, Candace.

Tags: girls, life, funniest, reid faylor has a girlfriend, reidfaylor has a girlfriend

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.