You've got the chords. You've got the corpse paint. You've even got the Dictionary of Depressing Imagery. But you know in your cold, black heart that your metal band will never inspire fear unending in weak mortal souls without a heavy-as-a-pyramid-of-elephants name to bring it all together. Once again, we're here to help.
There are many ways to pick an effective name for your brooding rock ensemble. The predominant method among today's top touring groups is to take a common household butter knife, run it alternately under hot and cool water, seek the blessing of a neighborhood Satanic minister, then blindly hurl the blade at a dartboard littered with torn-out pages of your old textbooks and whatever magazines happen to by lying around. Wherever the blade sticks is your new devil-approved monicker. Fun fact: Slayer, Mastodon, and Liturgy all got their start this way.
But because existence itself is a cruel, unpredictable joke, the most honest and brutal way you can name your metal band is to leave it up to random chance. Our Existential Trendsetting Division, the underfed team of basement-dwelling pop culture psychics* who brought you the Instant Best-Picture O-Matic just in time for Oscar season, has your back again with the new Instant Metall-O-Matic Brutalizer…Of Doom! Patent pending.
Instructions for giving your metal band a face-meltingly heavy name follow below…IF YOU'RE BRUTAL ENOUGH TO HANDLE THEM.
*Good band name: Underfed Basement-Dwelling Psychics
Required Materials: One (1) Icosahedron of Eternal Malice (20-sided die) or one (1) Index Finger of Unspeakable Torment and enough neurons to click on this digital die* three times.
*Good band name: Digital Die
Step 1: Roll for a leading modifier, which will contextualize exactly what kind of deranged soul-punishers* your band will become. Note, you may add the word "The" before any of the following selections if the end result sounds more brutal that way. Articles are mad brutal.
*Good band name: Deranged Soul-Punishers
- Lords of
- Trails of
- Keepers of the
- Deep Space
- Frequently unwashed
- Vaguely Homicidal
Step 2: Roll for your middle modifier, which should invoke some sort of horrible agent of destruction—just like your band!
- Wooly Mammoth
- Banana Hammock
- Chinese Finger-Trap
- Meryl Streep
Step 3: Roll for your final, brutal noun. This uber-important entry will officially bind your bandmates together as a collective until death or boredom do you part. Are you a band of Bruisers, or a pile of meaty Carcasses? Fate alone will decide:
THE UNCOMPROMISING VOID HATH SPOKEN. Our new band: Lords of Liger Snot.
Post your band name below in the comments. Then go forth…and rock.