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Unleash Your Metal Band Alias In 3 Brutal Steps

Unleash Your Metal Band Alias In 3 Brutal Steps

By Brandon Specktor

You've got the chords. You've got the corpse paint. You've even got the Dictionary of Depressing Imagery. But you know in your cold, black heart that your metal band will never inspire fear unending in weak mortal souls without a heavy-as-a-pyramid-of-elephants name to bring it all together. Once again, we're here to help.

There are many ways to pick an effective name for your brooding rock ensemble. The predominant method among today's top touring groups is to take a common household butter knife, run it alternately under hot and cool water, seek the blessing of a neighborhood Satanic minister, then blindly hurl the blade at a dartboard littered with torn-out pages of your old textbooks and whatever magazines happen to by lying around. Wherever the blade sticks is your new devil-approved monicker. Fun fact: Slayer, Mastodon, and Liturgy all got their start this way.

But because existence itself is a cruel, unpredictable joke, the most honest and brutal way you can name your metal band is to leave it up to random chance. Our Existential Trendsetting Division, the underfed team of basement-dwelling pop culture psychics* who brought you the Instant Best-Picture O-Matic just in time for Oscar season, has your back again with the new Instant Metall-O-Matic Brutalizer…Of Doom! Patent pending.

Instructions for giving your metal band a face-meltingly heavy name follow below…IF YOU'RE BRUTAL ENOUGH TO HANDLE THEM.

*Good band name: Underfed Basement-Dwelling Psychics

Required Materials: One (1) Icosahedron of Eternal Malice (20-sided die) or one (1) Index Finger of Unspeakable Torment and enough neurons to click on this digital die* three times.

*Good band name: Digital Die

Step 1: Roll for a leading modifier, which will contextualize exactly what kind of deranged soul-punishers* your band will become. Note, you may add the word "The" before any of the following selections if the end result sounds more brutal that way. Articles are mad brutal.

*Good band name: Deranged Soul-Punishers

  1. Beelzebub's
  2. Pendulous
  3. Avenging
  4. Lords of
  5. Trails of
  6. Keepers of the
  7. Infernal
  8. Blood-spattered
  9. Ill-mannered
  10. Boneless
  11. Deep Space
  12. Epic
  13. Hellbound
  14. Unrelenting
  15. Uncooked
  16. Underachieving
  17. Frequently unwashed
  18. Terrible
  19. Three-headed
  20. Vaguely Homicidal

Step 2: Roll for your middle modifier, which should invoke some sort of horrible agent of destruction—just like your band!

  1. Demon
  2. Serpent
  3. Poodle
  4. Muggle
  5. Blogger
  6. Liger
  7. Leviathan
  8. Wooly Mammoth
  9. Leopluradon
  10. Zombie
  11. Pirate
  12. Viking
  13. Wizard
  14. Nun
  15. Banana Hammock
  16. Chalupa
  17. Guillotine
  18. Chinese Finger-Trap
  19. Macarena
  20. Meryl Streep

Step 3: Roll for your final, brutal noun. This uber-important entry will officially bind your bandmates together as a collective until death or boredom do you part. Are you a band of Bruisers, or a pile of meaty Carcasses? Fate alone will decide:

  1. Bruisers
  2. Beaters
  3. Avengers
  4. Reapers
  5. Table-flippers
  6. Eaters
  7. Desecrators
  8. Invasion
  9. Militia
  10. Prison
  11. Poison
  12. Ritual
  13. Redemption
  14. Apocrypha
  15. Meat
  16. Snot
  17. Carcasses
  18. Massacre
  19. Machine
  20. Mustache

THE UNCOMPROMISING VOID HATH SPOKEN.  Our new band: Lords of Liger Snot.

Post your band name below in the comments. Then go forth…and rock.

Tags: music, metal bands, band names

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

For 22 years, Brandon was a fat kid living in Tucson, AZ, which gave him lots and lots of time to write. He now works at a magazine in New York City, but still loves writing almost as much as he loves muffins.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.