It’s happened to Thanksgiving and Christmas, and before you know it, it’s going to happen to St. Patrick’s Day, too—the commercialization of national holidays in America is taking away the real meaning of the celebration.
And we all know what the real meaning of St. Pat’s day is, of course. It’s to… uh… to… wear green and also to… eat cabbage?
You see. It’s happened already. We can’t even remember why we’ve set aside a day to worship leprechauns and horde large, cast iron cauldrons filled with gold coins. So, while we try to figure out exactly why and how we are going to celebrate the 17th of March this year, here’s a list of what we know FOR SURE are the least authentic ways to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day:
- Building a leprechaun village out of carved up Irish Spring soap bars.
- Replacing the rye bread in your corned beef sandwich with green glazed donuts.
- Dyeing your toilet water green.
- Redubbing all of the dialogue from your copy of “The Muppets Take Manhattan” with an Irish brogue.
- Separating all of the marshmallows from your box of Lucky Charms, then reenacting the Irish War for Independence with them.
- Kissing a guy named Barney Stone.
- Forming a punk band and performing a medley of “Danny Boy,” “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling,” and “I Wanna Be Sedated.”
- Starting a massive turf war in your neighborhood between the owners of Irish Setters and Scottish Terriers.
- Making “homemade Irish soda bread” with a loaf of Wonder Bread and a can of RC Cola.
- Putting together a retrospective of 1980s supermodel Kathy Ireland.
- Shooting anyone who isn’t wearing green with a potato gun. At close range.
- Juggling babies dressed as shamrocks.
- Watching a 24 hour marathon of “Leprechaun in the Hood.”
- Drinking only green milk for the entire week.