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4 College Majors That Don't Exist, But Should

4 College Majors That Don't Exist, But Should

By Randy Walker

1. Networking:

There are some people who believe that to succeed in a certain industry one must know everything there is to know about that industry. But those people are morons. Anyone with half a brain can tell you that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. As long as you know the right people you could literally have the IQ of Donald Trump (58) and still rise to the top.

So how do you get to know the right people? It’s called networking, baby, and it’s your golden ticket outta the two-bit town you call "my two-bit town." Trust us, you graduate with this major and you’ll be able to walk off the auditorium stage and right into any random business office you please, and just shake the first hand you see while giving the hand’s owner a glorious spiel that is so charismatic, so endearing, and so arousing-in-a-nonsexual-way that he’ll have no choice but to give you a job, a job that hundreds of other people are more qualified for.

2. Moderation:

Have you ever wondered why every adult looks tired, depressed, and overweight? Because none have any sense of moderation. They can never just eat one donut, buy that one shirt, or drink that one beer.

But let’s say, hypothetically, that there was a person who was not like this. What would happen? Well, we're no scientists, but our guess is that some stranger would approach him/her on the street and say: “Excuse me sir, I happened to notice that you are a fully formed adult and yet you do not have chins under your chin, no holes in your pockets, nor splash whiskers upon your cheeks. May I ask how this is possible?”

The other person would reply, with a smug look of satisfaction: “Well, my good man, I’ll have you know that I majored in moderation.”

“Moderation!” The other man would squeal in pleasure. “Well, in that case, I insist that you come with me and take my job. I can’t remember what it is, because I am so fat and sad, but I know you deserve it more than me!”

This could happen to you, if you majored in Moderation.

3. Giving a #$*!:

We know: right now it’s cool not to give a #$*!, only losers trip out on the little things. But trust us, over the years, not giving a #$*! is more trouble than it’s worth. That credit card debt you were to cool to pay off, that’ll haunt you. Deciding not to work overtime to impress the boss because you rather watch the Clippers game, that will keep you promotion-less. Not bothering to talk to that pretty girl at the party because she’s “probably a snotty brat anyway,” that’ll keep you firmly in your dry spell.

However, if this major were available, the outcome is obvious: You, sitting on your nice leather couch, while a beautiful girl on your lap strokes the back of your neck with her finger, and purrs in your ear: “Tell me again why it’s important to pay the cable bill each month.”

And lastly:

4. Tying Off the End Of a Water Balloon after Filling it Up From a Faucet:

Tying off a water balloon, also know as the last great art that man has yet to master, is the absolute best way to get the job of your dreams. How, you ask? Well let us paint you a picture:

You are in the middle of an interview, and your potential employer is going through your resume. He stops reading suddenly and sits up straight in his chair.

“What is the meaning of this?!” he bellows.
“What do you mean, sir?”
“It says hear that you have perfected the art of water balloon tying! Do you take me for a fool?!”
“But, it’s true sir. That was my major in college.”
“Baulder dash!” he says. “Prove it!”

So you go to the nearest sink, and while he watches, you fill up and tie off ten water balloons in a row, each one more perfect than the last. And then, with his mouth agape, you proceed to launch each one of those watery babies into his face. By the end of the interview, he will be drenched to the bone, chuckling like a madman, and handing you a multi-million dollar contract to play major league baseball with the New York Yankees*. All because you made him remember what it was like to be a kid again, thanks to your major, the greatest major there never was.

*This will happen regardless of whether you were applying to be a major league baseball player or not.

What do you wish you could major in?

Tags: college, majors, lists, life

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About the Author
Randy Walker

Randy Walker is a writer. His mother finds his writing hilarious, his father wonders where he went wrong. Randy recently moved to New Orleans where he now performs standup comedy and improv. He is currently working on several short stories that may or may not include a pirate named Scruffy.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.