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Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: the Child Paradox

Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: the Child Paradox

By reidfaylor

As usual, you guys really nailed it on the questions this week—I think they keep getting better and better. It’s amazing how the more I describe the passionate, fulfilling, and outrageously sensual love we share, the more in love I fall. It’s like a feedback loop, except instead of feedback the loop is comprised of sexiness. Let’s get to it!

FROM: InvisibleInk21

What are you and Candace's favorite books to read together?

Candace (my girlfriend) and I enjoy reading the books people have written about our love: Pride and Prejudice, Where the Red Fern Grows, The Hunger Games, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Hiroshima, The Cat in the Hat, and portions of the King James Bible (the sexy parts). We are also working on a book together (in between makeouts), and we like taking turns reading that to each other (in between makeouts). The book is essentially a verbal description of the photos we have together. We haven't decided on a title, but we're thinking of calling it Marley and Me, though that may change as we go on. Here’s an excerpt:

Reid and Candace are holding hands, and the way their fingers lace together is enough to make other things that lace (like shoelaces and lace) jealous. There’s a sparkle in their eye and a smile on their lips; Candace’s mouth is open in a manner that suggests she’s saying “Well, hot dog!” The photograph is very good quality, and children probably like to look at it sometimes. Though it’s hard to notice the background at first (the viewer is intensely distracted by the pretty people in love), it soon becomes clear the couple is inside an active volcano.

FROM: Ninjaunicorn1997

Dear Reid Faylor, When you and Candace have children, do you fear they will get depression? It will be impossible for them to find a love like their parents', so are you worried for their mental health? Do you and Candace have a plan for how to prevent them from getting depression?

P.s. Does Candace like Twilight? Because that would put a damper on any relationship. But since y'all are perfect and nothing could ever do that, I'm assuming she doesn't. Unless you like Twilight.... Do you?

Candace loves twilight; she also likes dawn, dusk, and even just a good old noon. We’re both pretty big fans of the various stages of the day.

We’ve talked over what many experts refer to as the Child Paradox. The paradox, as you summed up correctly, is that the offspring of perfect soul mates will be forced to live in a shadow of the parents’ romantic success, a shadow called sad feelings. However, there is one way to avoid such pain. Our answer is unconventional, but I think you’ll see the logic—first, let’s forget everything you know about traditional American incest laws.

You can agree the progeny of our perfect union would in turn probably be perfect. After all, Candace and I are a perfect couple, it only makes sense that by putting our DNA together you make the perfect human. Thus, each of our children, birthed from our love and wombs and stuff, would in turn be perfect. I think the answer then is pretty clear: the only person a perfect person can really be happy with is another perfect person (much like Candace and I). Our tentative plan then is to have multiple children and pair them up, a la the Lannisters or Targaryens. Phineas will date Olivia Newton, Kareem Abdul will date Paula Abdul, and Shaquille will get whichever other boy we pop out (haven’t decided on the final name yet). Sure, they’d be related, and their children might have tails and hemophilia, but they’d also be happy. And before you guys start getting upset about this in the comments, think about it this way: what if you weren’t upset?

FROM: bluegirl285746

Who's Candace's celebrity look-a-like? (This may include various features from various celebrities)

Candace is made up of all of the best parts of all the best celebrities. She has Scarlett Johansson’s lips, Christina Hendricks’ nose (easily her best part), Emma Watson’s sexy innocence, Jennifer Lopez’s many Hispanic qualities, George Clooney’s ability to never age, Natalie Portman’s ability to look good with a shaved head, Alec Baldwin’s voice (but, like, a lady version), Zooey Deschanel’s eyes and the portions of her quirkiness that aren’t sorta annoying (no ukulele), and David Bowie’s pupils. Also, and this isn’t necessarily in her appearance, there’s this indescribable Eleanor Roosevelt property to her that drives charities wild.

FROM: MusicManiac12323

What does Candace think of your blog about her?

I would answer, but it’d probably be easier to check out Candace’s blog: Candace Canderson Has a Boyfriend. It’s pretty popular; she even gets it in the New Yorker sometimes, maybe I’ll ask her to put up one of her articles on this site.

Thanks again for all the questions! I hope you enjoy hearing about the love Candace and I share as much as I love feeling the love we share (what you experience is far far diminished though, there’s almost no comparison). Leave questions in the comments and I’ll answer as many as I can next week! And if you leave some for Candace, maybe we can post the answers from her blog. Thanks again, and as usual: I love you, Candace (my girlfriend).

Tags: girls, life, funniest, reid faylor has a girlfriend, reidfaylor has a girlfriend

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.