How I Taught My Kid Brother About the Birds and the Bees
Well little brother, it looks like, despite my best efforts, you’re starting to grow up. And so it’s about time you and me had a little talk.
You don’t want to wait until Dad has this talk with you. First of all, by the time he gets around to it, you’ll already have learned it all from everyone at school, after they’ve all already laughed at you for not knowing anything. Yeah, big help, thanks Dad. Also he gets all stammery and uncomfortable, and it’ll get really hard to respect him after that.
But yeah, like I was saying, I’m not going to use any euphemisms. Like “birds and the bees”? What does that even mean? It’s not even a good comparison, birds don't even like bees. They couldn't even—all I'm saying is that here’s this one duck, and his jimmy is like fourteen inches long. I mean, on a person that’s nothing, I’ve got like double that, but that’s on a person. On a duck, that’s like longer than his whole body. So true, I looked it up on the internet.
So, you’re growing up, and you think girls are gross now, right? Yeah, cooties. Well that’s the first thing you need to learn. Cooties are totally made up, like the Tooth Fairy, or Santa Claus.
Wait, what? Yeah no, it’s Mom. It’s all Mom. Stop crying.
Right, anyway, so cooties are fake. You can’t get sick just by touching girls. In fact, touching girls is a lot of fun. I do it all the time. But they have to let you. I do it all the time because they all want me to, because I’m the best. But if they don’t let you, you’ll get in trouble. Like Ben Roethlisberger.
Who is…? Dude, he’s the quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. It’s important that you know this stuff, you can’t go around not knowing stuff like that, you’ll get beat up. It’s almost as important as knowing about going all the way. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were this far behind. I guess it’s my fault too, I should have been a better big brother. But hey, that’s why we’re here. The important thing is that Ben Roethlisberger is the quarterback for the Steelers, and he got in a lot of trouble because he allegedly touched a bunch of ladies when they didn't want him to. And the Steelers suck. That’s right, Giants rule. Go Big Blue.
So, right, so, cooties aren’t real, and it’s fun to touch girls, but they have to let you do it or else you’ll get in trouble. That’s the next thing you need to know, how to get girls to let you touch them.
That’s trickier, because every girl is different. Some of them want you to be really nice to them, and some want you to be mean. And if you get it wrong, it’ll be a mess, and you should just quit and act like you never really wanted that girl in the first place.
The best way to do it is to do both. First you act real nice to her, like talk to her and ask her about stuff she likes. Then just stop. Go cold. Don’t even look at her anymore. She’ll be all confused, like, “I thought that guy liked me, why isn’t he being nice anymore?” But that’s the point, now she’s thinking about you. So when you’re nice to her again, she’ll be happy. But then you have to go cold again. Keep her from getting comfortable. Trust me, it sounds weird, but this is like the whole plot of Twilight. Anyway, you do this like four times, and then she’ll want to kiss you. And that’s first base.
Yes, exactly, just like tee ball. Only you should say baseball, because this is grown-up stuff we’re talking about. So yeah, kissing, that’s first base. Second base, that’s when she lets you touch her top. Yuh-huh. They love when you do that. I don’t know, I guess it feels different for girls, because they have more nerves up there or something. It’s science. Okay, so that’s second.
No, you dummy, it’s not gross! You’re still thinking like a kid. There’s no such thing as cooties. Don’t be an idiot.
I don’t know why I’m even trying, you’re obviously still a little kid. I’m sorry I thought you were grown up enough to learn some things. Why don’t you go back to playing with your teddy bear, if you’re going to be such a baby.
Right, you know how when we’re watching a movie, and Mom or Dad’s like, “You’re too young for this part,” and fast-forwards it for like two minutes? Those people are doing all the bases. Only pretend, because it’s just a movie. If they did the whole thing for real, they’d have a baby. That’s right, this is where babies come from. So you have to be careful.
Yeah, I’ve done all the bases hundreds of times. Um… you know Carol Jankowsky, from Farmer Road? We totally did it. You can’t ask her, though. It’s a secret, she’ll say that I’m lying, but I’m totally not. We did. Like, seven times. And you know the Channel Four News lady? Yeah, she came by the school one time to do like a report on, I don’t know, the principal or something, and I was all, “What’s up,” and she wanted to do it, so we did it in the news van, and it was all bouncing around and the satellite dish on top was all flopping back and forth. I swear it’s true. She’d also pretend that never happened, but that’s because she’s older so she’ll get in trouble.
Yeah, that’s something else you should know, you can only do it with girls who are the same age as you. Maybe, like, one year older or younger. You remember last year, when the gym teacher in Martinsville got fired and went to jail? That’s why.
Okay, I think that’s everything. Congratulations, you’re one step closer to being a real grown-up. Here’s your celebratory Indian burn. Now have fun today in kindergarten.