The College Basketball tournament is heating up! Schools advancing! Other schools not advancing! Mascots dancing! College literature classes being not being cared about! To help those of you unfamiliar with some of the finer points of basketball, I put together this list of some of the more overlooked rules.
1. Dogs are not allowed to play basketball (added October, 1997).
2. Teams are allowed three timeouts, but only 2 time ins. Thus, some games have been indefinitely “timed out,” the longest lasting for over 42 years.
3. In addition to the two-point and three-point lines, there is a mystery five-point circle that travels around the court and bleachers. A point scored from this circle is worth, as the name suggests, six points.
4. The game ends when the point guard catches the golden snitch.
5. Only five players are allowed on the court at a time, these include: point guard, shooting guard, two beaters, the goalie, and a secret sixth player who appears once you say his name three times.
6. Players are required to believe they can fly, additionally, they must believe that whilst flying, they can touch the sky. Players are obliged to think about this every night and day.
7. If a player scores five points in a row, they are said to be on a “scoring spree.” After ten, it is called a “scoring frenzy,” and after 15 it is a “scoring riot.”
8. In the second half of a basketball game, the referees must act extra sassy, ending most calls with “ooh girl.”
9. Steroids or other performance enhancing drugs are forbidden, including childhood immunizations. It is the threat of polio that really makes the game dynamic.
10. The ball must be dribbled once every two steps, cuddled for every five, and swaddled for every ten.
11. In the NCAA, a game lasts for two halves, four eighths, or 32 64ths.
12. Players must get married in their team colors, no matter how much the mother-in-law protests.
13. In order to understand a referee’s calls, refer to this Official Hand Signal Guide:
14. Each three-pointer scored earns the player a free personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut, and a free bookmark from the Allen County Library.
15. A personal foul may be called for excessive displays of general “show off-i-ness.” These include: one-handed dunks, spinning the ball on fingertips, and excessive winking. The penalty for such actions is a stern shake of the head.
16. Players caught texting during the game will have to stay after the game and write an essay about respect. They are allowed to call their dad to arrange a ride if they will miss the bus.
17. Being late to practice over five times is penalized by dropping their stats a full letter grade, and the coach having to call their mom.
18. How many times do I have to tell you? Dogs are not allowed to play basketball.
19. In the event of a tie, the winner of the game is decided by rhyming. The team captain with the most rhymes wins. “Hat! Cat!” “Pat! Rat! Drat!” “The winner is team #2!” “Drat!”
20. Team names are limited to vicious animals or vague abstracts. Examples: The University of Kentucky Wildcats, the Mississippi State University Bulldogs, and the Xavier University Macroeconomics.