10 Ways to Fail at Spring
Hey there—looks like you got your hat on backwards and a brand new pair of Chuck Taylors. You are ready for Spring, but watch your step HappyHead, ‘cuz there are ways to fail at Spring. Here are just 10 examples:
- Having an allergy attack at the Dairy Queen. Everyone loves a cool, refreshing Blizzard on a warm Spring day. Who wouldn’t love to cram their face with a gallon of vanilla ice cream while a smashed up Butterfinger helplessly drowns in a puddle of cream and sugar? The season is right for a Blizzard, but also for trees and flowers to hose down our oxygen with pollen. Take your Benadryl and avoid sneezing up that desert on yourself. Nothing worse than wondering if that’s ice cream or snot all over your shirt.
- Getting caught in an April shower in your brand new white T-shirt. The weather is changing and we’re shedding clothes. I know you’re dying to bust out that Game of Thrones t-shirt, but let’s make sure we check the weather before we head out. It rains in April more than Keanu Reeves says “Whoa” in a movie. Grab your umbrella and you won’t have to worry about walking around in a transparent layer of Nipple Shame.
- Trying to hang on to winter. Look, it’s over. The sooner you move on the sooner you won’t look foolish trying to sled down a hill that has no snow. Sheesh! And while you’re at it, take down those Christmas lights and finish up that Valentine candy. People are beginning to talk…
- Embarrassing yourself at your family’s holiday dinner. Whether it’s Easter or Passover, you don’t wanna get banished to the Kids Table where it smells like baby puke and you’re sitting on a stepstool. Maybe refrain from calling your cousin a hottie or telling your Aunt about the time you kicked yourself in the face on purpose. (Actually, that sounds hilarious.) The point is have a nice family dinner without going overboard on the Steve-O stunts and awkward comments.
- Being annoying during The Hunger Games. Maybe you didn’t read the books. Maybe you’re at the theater for a friend and you’re bored out of your skinny jeans. That doesn’t mean you can ruin it for everyone else with your Tom Brady-like ability to throw M&M’s into your own mouth. Or by belching out Jonas Bros. songs. Or by saying too loudly, “That was the girl in X-Men!”
- Roundhouse kicking a beehive. WE'RE JUST SAYING. YOU MIGHT WANNA HOLD YOURSELF BACK FROM TICKING OFF BUGS WITH STINGERS, because y’know…THEY STING! Every Spring there seems to be one person who needs to take out his aggression on a beehive or a hornets' nest or some other sort of home to an army of stingy-buzzy insects. Well, don’t be that person. Showing up to school with a face that looks like you slid a cheese grater across it is NOT COOL. WE KNOW. OKAY. JUST DON'T DO IT.
- Creeping out the person you wanna take to prom. Prom season is right around the corner. The tickets are bought, the outfit is picked, the limo is booked. All you need is a date. Well, you’re not gonna land one by talking about how hot your Mom looks in a bathing suit. And you’re certainly not gonna win someone over with your theory about how Darth Vader must have the worst B.O. ‘cuz he’s in that suit all day.
- Angering a wild horde of skateboarders. The skateboarders are among us. The weather is nice and ya never know when you’ll be a suddenly in the midst of a gang of skaters wearing clothes you saw clowns wear at the circus one time. As soon as you hear those wheels on pavement keep your head down. Under no circumstances should you bring up that you love to rollerblade or that you love to go skating with your Dad. Before you know it those skaters will pounce on you like Peter Griffin pounces on a cheese Danish.
- Forgetting to use the bathroom before acting in the school play. Springtime usually means a major theatrical production, and if you were lucky enough to snag a role, congratulations! Do yourself a favor and empty that bladder before hittin’ the stage, though. No one in Hamlet is off to the side doing The Pee Dance and West Side Story is a much better show when the dancer’s don’t clench their butts.
- Failing your Finals. There’s always a way to recover from previous fails, but NOT SPRING FINALS. This is the real deal, Cupcake. Prepare. (And good luck!)