Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
First we get Johnny Depp as a dapper yet emo 19th Century vamp, and now one of our ex-presidents is getting all “Buffy” on us? This is going to be an undead summer to remember and we are beyond excited about it because Abraham Lincoln is, apparently, a Vampire Hunter!
I would like to posit, now, my top five reasons why you are a fool if you aren’t in the theatres seeing this on opening weekend:
1. It’s a steampunk fantasy come true!
Alternate versions of history with amped up and arcane looking mechanical contraptions are all the rage right now, and this movie is going to give the steampunk fan a healthy portion of it. For instance, what’s that stuff Abe poured all over his axe to make it swing super fast? Who knows! But it sure looks pretty sweet! Bring on the steam powered vampire stake throwers!
2. Abe Lincoln deserves an action hero upgrade
Of all the presidents, Lincoln is one of the most revered. However, he’s never portrayed as being all that hunky. He’s always the tall lanky guy with the weird beard that was quiet, shy, and contemplative. Why do Teddy Roosevelt and George Washington get to be the battle worn heroes? It’s time to show Abe in a hue a tad more Bruce Willis.
3. Civil War + Vampires = Brilliant
Yes, we’ve seen vampires in almost every situation, shape, and form by now. They’ve been in Louisiana drinking fake Japanese blood, they’ve been in the Pacific Northwest looking sad and battling werewolves. But never have we seen them portrayed as the antagonists in Civil War era America. It almost seems too obvious.
4. It will feed the rumor that Nicolas Cage is a vampire from the 1870s.
What’s that? Oh, you haven’t heard? Apparently some crack pot out there has a faded photo from the 1870s of a man that looks exactly like Nicolas Cage, and he’s convinced it’s him. How crazy can you get? I mean, not that Nic doesn’t act odd from time to time. And the photo does REALLY look like him. He also hasn’t seemed to age since the early 1980s. Hmm… where did I put my set of wooden stakes shaped like Oscar trophies, again?
Are you gonna see Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? Who do you think would be the coolest historical vampire hunter?