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Find the Right Post-Apocalypse For You!

Find the Right Post-Apocalypse For You!

By Randy Walker

For many people, the idea of living in a post-apocalyptic world is very appealing; a fantasy of sorts. But why? If we were to make an educated guess, we would say that this is probably due to the fact that the impressive developments we have made as a civilized society has turned our world into a place that is incredibly safe and predictable (for the most part), and therefore, rather boring. As a result, deep down we long to go back to our ancestral days where death and danger were around every corner and our best chance at survival depended solely on the limits of our own personal cunning.

But if we were to make an uneducated guess, we would say:

BECAUSE ZOMBIES!!OMG!!!!!!

In either case, here is a guide for choosing the right Post-Apocalypse for you!

1) Hunger Games (so hot right now)

Appeals to: Those who still like a little structure with their post-apocalyptic setting, as there is still a functional government in place in this world…that is, if you consider a government that forces its starving people to embrace a “game” where their brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, slaughter one another, to be functional. (And who doesn’t?)

Doesn’t Appeal to: Those who don’t like their dystopia Disney-fied. Because let’s face it, when the barbarity of man overtakes the laws of decency, there will be no room for gooey love stories. For these people, we recommend the world of Battle Royale. Both worlds are similar, in the same way that Juvenile Hall is similar to a Maximum Security Prison…a hundred years ago… in a 3rd world country.

2) Dawn of the Dead

Appeals to: Those who feel, beyond all certainty, that what the world really needs is a few million flesh-eating corpses to spice things up a bit.

Doesn’t Appeal to: Those who find the idea of slowly being eaten alive distasteful. We know what some of you are thinking: “Well that wouldn’t happen to me.” But odds are, it would. So just think about that for a second; dozens of diseased sets of teeth ripping into your flesh, while dead hands pull and tear at the rest of you… ah, who are we kidding, that would be awesome! Zombies!!!!

3) The Matrix

Appeals to: Those who rather embrace a sweet illusion, rather than face the frightening truth; that we are all just batteries plugged into a machine and life is just a distraction until our power is used up. Really, if you chose this world as your post-apocalyptic fantasy, you’re just wasting your pick. Heck, you could just assume you live in the matrix now. It’s probably true, you know. We read it on the internet.

Doesn’t Appeal to: People who know that the only thing worse than living in a world controlled by machines, is having to live through two god-awful sequels.

4) The Post Man

Appeals to: Those who think that delivering mail is absolutely the most important necessity when it comes to living in a destroyed world. (And according to Box Office reports, there are about six of you out there.)

Doesn’t Appeal to: Kevin Costner haters. Who needs you guys anyway!!! All this guy wants to do is deliver you mail, through rain or snow or the freakin' apocalypse!! Show some appreciation!!!!!!!!!

5) Children of Men

Appeals to: Those who find sniveling kids who won’t shut up in restaurants, movie theaters, and airplanes to be an abomination that deserve to be wiped out off the face of the planet.

Doesn’t Appeal to: Those who have a deep love for condoms, and people who are looking forward to getting old so they can pinch the cheeks of little ragamuffins and remind them that back in their day, businesses used to have to pay for women's contraception.

6) Mad Max

Appeals to: Those who fantasize about joining a motorcycle gang whose main goal is trying to kill Mel Gibson.

Doesn’t Appeal to: Those who have visited Australia and know that it’s pretty much the same today as it would be in the Mad Max world, so there’s no reason to waste your Post-Apocalyptic pick on this. Just go grab a bat, jump on a plane to the outback, rent a Harley, and start making those damn Aussies pay! (Note: Legally, we can’t actually recommend you do this. We’re just saying, if you did do this, who would notice? That place really is a giant wasteland full of spiders and people who need a good bat whacking. Just kidding, Australia, we love you.)

7) The Road

Appeals to: … um, Cormac McCarthy?

Doesn’t Appeal to: Parents. Not unless they want to do some serious, and we mean serious, explaining to their’ little ones about the ways of the world.

Which post-apocalypse is your favorite? Did we miss any?

Tags: movies, the apocalypse, books-and-comics

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About the Author
Randy Walker

Randy Walker is a writer. His mother finds his writing hilarious, his father wonders where he went wrong. Randy recently moved to New Orleans where he now performs standup comedy and improv. He is currently working on several short stories that may or may not include a pirate named Scruffy.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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