Skip over navigation

Mindhut

Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: Dinosaurs and Doomsday Devices

Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: Dinosaurs and Doomsday Devices

By reidfaylor

What a gloomy set of questions this time around! I got asked what I don’t like about Candace, I was forced to imagine us breaking up, and then I was once again reminded that dinosaurs are extinct–which is a constant source of pain for me. I know Jurassic Park ends in disaster, but it still really bothers me that it isn’t real, even if all the dinosaurs occasionally escape and hurt Jeff Goldblum. Anyway, let’s get to it!

FROM: GinnyPotter4eva

Is Candace real? (jk, jk xD)

I don’t even understand this question. JK? What is that? Rowling? I’m assuming you left off part of the question, so let me fix it for you: Is Candace really good at auto repair? The answer: oh for sure.

FROM: the_lol_chick

I know that you think Candice is perfect, but face it. Everyone's got flaws (character, physical, moral, ect). To give us faithful readers a better picture of Candice, what DON'T you like about her? And no "Candice is perfection itself" crap. The truth. Thank you.

To be fair, I could have totally taken a loophole and answered questions about “Candice” as opposed to Candace (my girlfriend). You know, something like, “Oh, that Candice is a real jerk! She lays eggs all over the yard and eats too many rats. She’s a snake—unlike Candace, who is very much a human.” But you pose a challenging question, and I will not let a simple spelling mistake get me out of this. Candace, if you are reading this, you know I love you girl, and you have to promise not to get upset—things are about to get real. If after reading this we get into an extremely minor verbal disagreement (our first one), I will blame you, the_lol_chick, for you have brought this upon us!

Sometimes during her charity work Candace gets too focused on serving the disabled veterans homemade soup, and spends too little time regaling them with fantastic true stories. Her robotic appendages (she has two of them) require a lot of maintenance, and she gets cranky when the specialized team of government doctors is fitting them with improved lasers. She’s all, “My old lasers were fine! Why do I need double the fire power?” and I’m all, “Calm down, baby girl!” At times, Candace can be a little too passionate. She always wants to make out when I’m trying to get ready for my fencing lessons or while I’m researching important science for the science inventors that contact me. Also, she’s not a very good gymnast, which bothers me more than it should. (Bronze medal? Come on! You’re better than that!) Candace is hard to watch movies with, because she’s so smart she figures out the ending ahead of time and spoils them for me, or she’ll come up with a better ending, and I’ll be so disappointed it didn’t really happen. Sure, Finding Nemo was a good movie, but it would’ve been way better if at the end you found out the dad had been a ghost the whole time. Another flaw: I sometimes wonder if she loves me too much. She gives me all these expensive presents, and introduces me to all her celebrity friends, and she gets me all the ice cream I could eat, and she compliments me so often on how well I ride a horse while firing antique rifles. It can be a bit much, but I think that’s more a problem with me—it can be hard to be loved. And finally: her spit tastes like Mr. Pibb. I never knew that could be a thing, but … it is. That kinda weirds me out.

FROM: AnieshaS

What would you, in a highly hypothetical situation, do if Candace dumped you for a turtle? Would you hate Candace AND turtles? Is that possible?

I don’t think I could ever hate Candace, and while I hate some turtles (Jared is a real dirty butt), I don’t think I could hate all of them, because that’d be turtle racism, and that stuff is rude. It’s really difficult to imagine any kind of scenario in which this would happen, so I imagine that if Candace ever did leave me (for a reptile nonetheless) I would first question reality very intensely. I would pinch myself, ask loudly, “Is this a dream!?” over and over again, and spin that little top I own that only I know what it spins like.

I guess in the end I’d just have to accept it, and spend the rest of my days as a recluse in the hills, writing sexy fan fiction, taming the various forest animals (mostly hawks and bears), and working on my doomsday device, as to punish the cruel and unjust world that denied me true love. Either that or I would work tirelessly on building a new Candace out of old computers and legos. And if that Candace left me, well, I would probably just do the doomsday device then. Total world destruction is oddly a very soothing way to deal with a breakup.

FROM: PickleShaman

If Candace was a dinosaur from the Cretaceous period, which would she be? Just try and forget the unfortunate fact that her life would theoretically be cut short by mass extinction.

Easily the Parasaurolophus walker. I don’t think I even need to explain this.

That is it for this week’s questions! Thanks again for your questions, and if you leave questions in the comments I’ll be sure to answer as many as I can next week. As always: I love you, Candace.

Tags: girls, life, funniest, reid faylor has a girlfriend, reidfaylor has a girlfriend

Write your own comment!


About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.