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How to Suck at World of Warcraft

How to Suck at World of Warcraft

First off, let me just say that this game is addictive. Seriously. I now understand why some people literally never stop playing. I would too, if I didn't have to buy groceries occasionally. If I played nonstop, I might even reach level 10 before Christmas!

I have this sinking feeling that I'm actually getting worse at this game instead of better. I'm not joking. Let me recap: I, Sparkslayer the dangerously sexy elf huntress, am running through the woods. I reach FalconWing Square, which for you non-blood elves out there is like a small courtyard area in the middle of the Blood Elven woods. Lost for anything to do, and desperate to prove myself, I sign up for another quest: gather some broken crystals from crates scattered around a town that's been destroyed by Wretched, who are evil.

At first, everything is going fine. DragonHawk and I are finding the crates, no problem, and I'm basically avoiding attacking anything. I will NOT die this time. BUT THEN. I'm gathering the very last crystal and getting ready to return, when I get attacked. A Wretched Urchin is stabbing me. DragonHawk is being less than useless by attacking a completely different creature, which I swear he did on purpose because as soon as he starts fighting things, I'm suddenly surrounded by four enemies. Who are all attacking me. Thanks for the help, DragonHawk. And then I'm dead, again.

As soon as I'm restored to my body, I take out my anger on DragonHawk: I rename him. With that done, Buttmuffin and I go report to FalconWing Square with our new broken crystal collection. Was it too cruel of me to name him Buttmuffin? I know he's not technically sentient, but I still feel like he is. Oh well.

With the quest completed, I remember my goal from last time: make a new friend. I spy several players sitting around the square and, hoping Buttmuffin's clever name will entice them, I go stand awkwardly close to them. And do nothing. Okay, so maybe my friend-making skills need a little work.

When nothing happened, I abandoned them and went to find another group of players. And, as luck would have it, I found some! And they were all around level 10, so I figured they might befriend my n00bish self. I was wrong. One of the players was waving at everyone, so I figured he was my best shot. Taking a deep breath, I typed "Hi" into the chat bar.

No response.

Friendly Dude kept waving at everyone, so I said, "I'd wave back, but I don't know how. Help?"

No response.

After a minute of awkwardness, the chat bar said "Friendly Dude stares you down."

Figuring that I was making some sort of progress, I said "How do you do that?"

And the chat bar said "Friendly Dude stares you down." And then, right after that, "Damn you."

Wow-would-you-look-at-that, I'm making friends already! Or not. Well, Friendly Dude ran away as soon as that enlightening conversation was over, and I was too traumatized to make a new friend. Instead, I decided to go swim in the nearby river to drown my sad, friendless sorrows.

Tragically, I was killed by a SpringPaw Tiger creature on my way over. Pathetic. Instead of shooting the tiger with my bow and arrow, my player decided to club it with my bow when it attacked. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? Did my poor little elf forget how to shoot?

So, not only did I die twice (and get Buttmuffin killed a couple times as well), I also failed to make a friend. And I still want to know how to wave. Is that an acquired skill? Any help, anyone?

To sum up, here's what I learned this week: 1) Nobody wants to be friends with the clearly clueless player, 2) My ability to fight off enemies is clearly degrading, and 3) my pet hates me.

Death Count So Far: 10.5 (I counted each Buttmuffin death as .25 of a death because I feel guilty)

Also, for all of you who said you'd be my friend, thanks. And I'll be adding you soon. Prepare yourselves for more adventures in Patheticness.

Tags: games, video games, rpg, role-play, world of warcraft, wow, mmorpg, blogging world of warcraft, blogging wow, role playing games

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About the Author
Jennifer Grudziecki

Jennifer Grudziecki is a writer, intern, and soon-to-be college graduate living in New York City. Her life goal is to be a space pirate, and maybe to write a book along the way. Follow her on Twitter @JennyGrudzy or on Tumblr at

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