How To Tell If You Are Gross
You might be wondering if it’s disgusting to smell your fingers after eating 9 dollars worth of Taco Bell. Well, smelling your fingers may not be as gross as eating all that sludge that passes as food, but here are some other ways to tell if you are a slob-and-a-half:
An entire seat of your car is taken up by bottles and wrappers. When your passengers are doing yoga to sit comfortably in the backseat, it’s time to clear out the tribute to Mountain Dew and Snickers. Everybody appreciates a ride, but not when it’s on the Diabetes Express.
Your bathroom towel is scaring away small animals. For the love of all humanity, hang that thing up! Towels are supposed to dry, not mutate into a Contagion-like virus that is responsible for the Apocalypse.
You chew with your mouth open. Last I checked there’s no one lining up for tickets to The Barf-In-My-Own-Mouth Show. Shut that trapper when you’re gettin’ all NomNom with the meatloaf sandwich. The last thing we need are Vietnam-like flashbacks when we’re sitting down to dinner in the future.
You haven’t changed your shirt in 4 days. We all fall in love with at least one shirt, but how ‘bout we rotate it around instead of wearing it over and over and over and over? Nobody’s thinking less of you ‘cuz you skipped a day of rockin’ that Family Guy rag.
Flies are buzzing around your head. Whatever your putting in your hair must be a real treat to the insect kingdom. Stick to shampoo that doesn’t include some sort of honey/tomato sauce/mayonnaise/ginger ale combination and you won’t have to worry about being the new spokesman for RAID.
Ripping a fart in a Spongebob costume. That’s just disrespectful (SMH). You should be ashamed…
You are too comfortable showing online videos of animals humping. Look, they’re hysterical. Nothing wins us over like footage of 2 skunks acting like they’re in an R&B video. But after the first few times…chill. Next thing you know, you’re gonna be the kid everyone throws roadkill at ‘cuz you have a weird obsession. Speaking of which…
Throwing roadkill at someone. No reason to do it. Jackass went off the air in ’02 and the movies have covered everything else. Relax.
Storing a casserole in your locker. Mom makes a great casserole. We've always wondered what those little crunchy things on top are. Why not share with the world the delicious magic that is a casserole instead of shoving it in a locker with your math textbook and collection of rocks that look like presidents?
Brushing your teeth with gravy. An intriguing idea with meat-tastic results, but not the best way to fight The War on Plaque. Before ya know it, your teeth will be a glistening shade of Simpsons-yellow.
Calling your mom a “hottie. ” We’re sure your mom is a very good-looking lady. Calling her a “hottie” might be a little too creepy. Associating the woman who changed your diapers with the term often given to the person you fantasize about is just NO.
Bowling with your shirt off. We don’t know who convinced you that slingin’ gutterballs with your chest hair sticking out was a good idea, but ditch that friend. Society deserves better than to see a topless maniac at hittin’ the alleys.
What are other signs that you're gross?