You’re just now realizing that the premiere of the second season of Game of Thrones is only days away and you really want to throw a party, but you’re worried you don’t have enough time to set it up? Not a problem. We here at The Mindhut are experts at accomplishing goals at the last minute. Just stick with us and do exactly what we say and you’ll be fine.
Before we begin, we must ask you one question. Are you truly prepared to go through with this? Keep in mind, this isn’t some Hunger Games party where you can buy a couple of plastic bow and arrow sets from a toy store, hand out name tags with characters names on them, and make some “fun” snacks that somehow tie into the story. No, this is Game of Thrones we’re talking about here. And in the Game of Thrones, you either win or you die. The same goes for A Game of Thrones party. So take a second, and think about whether you are really up for this… but don’t take too long, time is of the essence.
Still here? Great. Let’s begin. The first thing you need to do is head down to the local dog pound and pick up the two biggest, gnarliest dogs you can find. Take them with you. These are now your Direwolves. Then go to your local lizard pound and pick up the two biggest lizards you can find, these are now your dragons.
Once you have your dragons and direwolves, go back home and call for a family meeting. Once your family’s together, tell them they each will play a character from the show during the party. Address your little brother first. Get him to sit down in a chair, then take out some duct tape and strap him into the chair so he can’t move. Explain to him that he is now Bran the cripple. He might cry and say that he doesn’t want to be a cripple, but you just tell him that neither did Bran, which is why he’s perfect for the part.
Then face your parents and tell your Dad he’s Jon Snow, and tell your mom she’s Catelyn. Explain to them that that this means your mom must be very cruel to your Dad throughout the entire party.
Then face your sister and tell her that she is now your girlfriend. This will most likely horrify her; but she’s Cersei, so who cares how she feels.
Turn to the family cat next, and tell it that it will be Arya. The cat will respond to this by acting defiant, keeping a safe distance from the party, and eyeing everyone suspiciously, because your cat knows how to disappear into a role.
Then invite the person that you dislike the most. The whiniest, most self-entitled punk you know. Once he arrives give him a good hard slap. Then tell him he’s Joffrey, which means everyone gets to slap him when they want to; because Joffrey is the worst. (Note: he might try and protest his role at first, but a little intimidation from the direwolves should keep him in line.)
Now invite your friend who is the best looking and the most charming with the ladies. Explain to him that he is Jaime, which means he must stay in the closet for the entire party. (Note that doing this kills two birds with one stone, as you have just taken out your biggest competition for the ladies’ attention during the party. Now that’s how you play the Game of Thrones!)
Invite your shortest friend over next, tell him he will be Tyrion. When he asks why, tell him it’s because he is so smart and cunning. Really though, it’s because he is comically short.
Next, invite your crush. Give her the lizards/dragons and tell her that she is Daenerys, the Dragon Queen. Tell her that you’re Khol Drago her husband and sworn protector. Then point out the sniveling twerp that you made Joffrey and tell her that he is Viserys, her mean cruel brother. When Viserys complains, citing that he can’t be Viserys because you already made him Joffrey, respond with a slap to the face for his insolence. Then instruct him to be constantly cruel to your crush. And each time he is, you will be there to defend her honor, because you are her warrior.
Now that you have your cast, all you need to do is set out some bowls of pretzels and popcorn, some drinks, and sit back and watch the madness unfold. Odds are, more than one person will flee the party in tears. But that’s okay, a GoT party with less than three sobbing outbursts is considered a dull affair. Besides, if luck is on your side, odds are that by the time the show actually starts, the only two people remaining are you and your crush, sweet Daenerys. Just the two of you, sitting together on the couch, getting ready to watch a great show that demonstrates the advantages one can have if they just use the right strategy. Not that you need any help in that department…
How are you celebrating GoT's return?