Before I get into the questions, I have a confession: I have not read or seen The Hunger Games, the book and film franchise based on the passionate love I share with Candace (my long-term girlfriend). There’s been a decent amount of questions about it, and I can’t answer just yet. I guess I have problems seeing any movie where I’m not portrayed by Nicholas Cage. I’m reading them soon! Then I can answer whatever you like. Also, how come everyone thinks my name is fake? I assure you it’s very real, although you did correctly realize the puns that have haunted me all my life. Read Failure—it’s hard living with a name that implies illiteracy. Now onto the questions!
What is Candace's favorite color? You can't say "all of them" or "rainbow." Also, does Candace like pie and pi? YOU like pi and pie, RIGHT?
Candace’s favorite color is brown, because it’s the color of my eyes. But it’s a special sparkling kind of brown that if you look into it deep enough you can hear in your own brain the words “I love you.” Well, at least that happens to Candace. I think if another person looked me in the eyes long enough they’d probably just hear “Hey. ‘Sup?” and then their nose would start to bleed. Brown is also the color of most trees, which isn’t a huge part of why she likes brown, but it’s not like that’s a bad thing either.
Oh, and the pie thing—yes. We both like pie. I like it more than cake even (so does Candace). We both don’t like pi though—kinda think it’s just a big conspiracy. Wait, you’re telling me this “number” appears in the calculation of the circumference and area of every circle? Sorry, but that just sounds like a big fib.
Your love for Candace may be beyond measure, but what would you do if she were to become a zombie? Merciful death? A barn? Remove all non-essential, dangerous body parts and lead around via chain, whilst wielding a katana?
I don’t know why you assume I would treat Candace any different after zombification. We’ve taken premarital vows, which are special vows that people who are more in love than all married couples are allowed to take since they’re pretty serious anyway. Among our vows were staying with each other through “poverty and wealth, bad movie adaptations of books that we like, zombification, and going through a ‘Billy Joel phase.’” Candace becoming the walking dead wouldn’t change much about our relationship. We would still take loving walks through the park, lovingly build parks to walk through, lovingly park on walks, and kiss almost an unsettling amount—it’s just that now she’d be a living corpse. The whole “biting” and “flesh-eating” thing might be a bit of a concern, but I figure that’s just a phase that can be corrected with enough nagging. “No, Candace, I said no! We do not consume my flesh. We love each other. Now give me a kiss—hey! Hey! No teeth. No … there, that’s better.”
Do you like bacon?
Assuming you and Candace never break up (and I hope you never do, because I get the feeling your doomsday device would be brilliant and diabolical), what will your wedding be like? Indoors or out? Big or small? Family only, or lots of friends?
Candace and I have talked this over, and we’ve decided we only want a small wedding, inviting only the best couple thousand of our friends (I have a whole bunch you guys don’t know about) as well as famous celebrities and foreign dignitaries who have written us fan mail over the course of our relationship. The wedding will be outdoors (to better accommodate all the wild animals we have befriended), either in the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, or at the ruins of Pompeii. I will be dressed in my finest plate armor, while Candace will wear a gown of living flowers. The priest will be the entirety of Cirque du Soleil, and the entire service will be dictated via mime.
After the introduction, there will the Display of Grandeurs, a new wedding tradition we are making up, in which the guests and attendees must amaze us with performances of skill and wonderment—breathing fire, complicated feats of calculus, stunt driving, the hatching of dragon eggs, etc. We will share our marital vows (even more comprehensive and amazing compared to our premarital vows), and then exchange rings. My best man, George Clooney, will at first pretend like he forgot to bring the rings, but he’ll pull them out of his pocket and we’ll all have a good laugh. “Classic George!” everyone will say, or at least I’ll say that, since I know him personally. The rings will be made out of solid fire, which is a thing most people don’t even know exists, because up until this point it won’t. After we exchange rings, the big final moment will come when we kiss each other, and the instant our lips touch a bright flash of light will burst forth from our joined lips, permanently blinding the groomsmen and relatives sitting in the front rows. As the flash dulls, our paralyzed friends will realize they now have the ability to walk, and everyone will cheer and clap as The Beatles (reunited with all original members) begin to play. As they play their second encore, the priest (Cirque du Soleil) will reveal that by the amazing marital-ness of our wedding, everyone who attended magically became married to one another, because it was simply that weddingtastic. Then we’ll probably eat some cake or something.
That’s it for this week! Leave questions in the comments and I’ll answer as many as I can next week! And remember, if you have questions for Candace, she can answer them in her article “Candace Canderson Has a Boyfriend.” As always: I love you, Candace.