Hey, guys: What do Game of Thrones and a Twitter update have in common?
They both have 140 characters!
Anyway, in honor of the impending season two premiere of HBO's adaptation of George R.R. Martin's acclaimed fantasy septology, we decided to indulge in a little bit of speculative journalism—that is, lie outright.
There's a lot going on in King's Landing at the beginning of A Clash of Kings, which it seems will be the focus of the coming season: The noble buddy cop team of Ned Stark and Robert Baratheon are dead, Robert's "son," Joffrey "lil d-bag" Lannister, has been controversially proclaimed king of the realm, his uncle and wily imp Tyrion Lannister charged with keeping the realm in some working order, and common citizens generally suffering from poverty, starvation and death. That's a lot to keep on top of without the internet.
It is canon that the citizens of Westeros are blessed with a thriving network of avian mail carriers. But what if some enterprising Westerosian were to take things one step further, say, and invent a network of digital avian mail carriers? What if s/he were to name that network "Twitter" in honor of its winged forebears? What do you think the citizens of King's Landing would tweet to one another in a typical day of ruling, serving and general dirty dealing? Turns out, not a whole lot...
Tyrion Lannister @T_LoGreen - 7:45 a.m.
The Eastern sun shines bright upon the keep to-day. Dare I interpret it an omen of a single morn without King Joffrey screwing up?
The King's Landing Crier @DailyCrier - 7:51 a.m.
At Wheat's End!!! 6 dead from starvation this morning following ANOTHER King Joffrey bread embargo fiasco!!!
Tyrion Lannister @T_LoGreen - 7:52 a.m.
No. I thought not.
Varys @SpidermanVarys - 8:27 a.m.
Grand Maester Pycelle fell asleep in the Small Council meeting, again. Joffrey will keep the fool's head if he notices.
King Joffrey Lannister @YoungJeezy- 8:31 a.m.
*sigh* advisers are talking an talking and i just cant stop thinking bout how i made sansa watch me bhead her dad LOL! ned stark what a newb
King Joffrey Lannister @YoungJeezy - 8:34 a.m.
haha more like DEAD STARK, LOLOLOL!
King Joffrey Lannister @YoungJeezy - 8:36 a.m.
more like NO HEAD STARK!!! ROFLMFAO!!!!!! LOLOLOLOL #BestKingEver
Varys @SpidermanVarys - 8:37 a.m.
Many a morning I suspect that Robert Baratheon's rotting carcass would make a #BetterKingThanJoffrey
Tyrion Lannister @T_LoGreen - 8:40 a.m.
@SpidermanVarys The rotting carcass that was once the boar that killed Robert Baratheon would make a #BetterKingThanJoffrey
Varys @SpidermanVarys - 8:42 a.m.
@T_LoGreen The formless excrement I produced after eating the carcass of the boar that killed Robert Baratheon would make a #BetterKingThanJoffrey
Tyrion Lannister @T_LoGreen - 8:43 a.m.
@SpidermanVarys Your nonexistent left testicle would make a #BetterKingThanJoffrey
Varys @SpidermanVarys - 8:44 a.m.
@T_LoGreen Dude. Too far.
The King's Landing Crier @DailyCrier - 9:25 a.m.
White Lies!!! 10 Reasons the Fascist Baratheon Administration wants You to believe Winter is coming!!!
Sandor Clegane @HoundDogStyle - 10:16 a.m.
Damnation. Just woke up and stepped in me own piss pot. I believe I'll kill someone today.
Illyn Payne @TasteThePayne - 10:19 a.m.
@HoundDogStyle can I play too???
Queen Cersei Lannister @QueenCersei - 10:47 a.m.
We had no choice but to sever another lutist's thumbs today for singing slanderous tunes about House Lannister.
Queen Cersei Lannister @QueenCersei - 10:48 a.m.
Can no minstrel compose a song worthy of my namesake???
Tyrion Lannister @T_LoGreen - 10:51 a.m.
@QueenCirce Rejoice, dear sister! One already has: http://bit.ly/hOjMff
Queen Cersei Lannister @QueenCersei - 10:47 a.m.
@T_LoGreen Laugh on, dear brother, and you shall be tweeting with your elbows anon.
Westeros Home Journal @HomeJournal - 12:01 p.m.
Pick up today's @HomeJournal for our new feature on Bonnets, Bowties, and 8 more Snazzy Ways to Class Up the Severed Heads in your Gutter!
King Joffrey Lannister @YoungJeezy - 12:42 p.m.
man, could sure go for tacos right now. Next person to bring me a taco gets to keep their thumbs AND tongue, promise. #WouldILie?
Lord Petyr Baelish @LittlefingerBrothel - 1:45 p.m.
Tweet "Littlefinger Special" @LittlefingerBrothel for a chance to win a free tumble with Bruna, our newest girl from Dorne! Good news: she's voluptuous and infertile!
Sandor Clegane @HoundDogStyle - 1:46 p.m.
Littlefinger Special @LittlefingerBrothel
Ilyn Payne @TasteThePayne - 1:46 p.m.
Littlefinger Special! @LittlefingerBrothel
Bronn @YouDon'tKnowMyFather - 1:46 p.m.
Positive I don't want to know what a "Littlefinger Special" is…but then I ain't one to turn down "free" anything @LittlefingerBrothel
King Joffrey Lannister @YoungJeezy - 3:22 p.m.
ah sweet dude, a few thousand more followers and i'll have as many as Bieber!!!! follow me follow me follow me follow me!!! #ImtheKing
King Joffrey Lannister @YoungJeezy - 3:24 p.m.
<----follow me or i'll execute you……..JK! #butseriouslyiwill #andwheresmytaco?
The Lannister Lurker @LurkerMag - 4:19 p.m.
King Joffrey's new fling was caught removing a glove at the royal bathing pond! Full story and exclusive wood carvings at Lurkermag.com
Varys @SpidermanVarys - 5:05 p.m.
I never met the man, but I am told he made the finest horsemeat pudding in the land #RIPKahlDrogo
Tyrion Lannister @T_LoGreen - 6:15 p.m.
Elder's take me! Never drinking with *hic* @YouDon'tKnowMyFather again. The sellsword's thirst is unquenchable as wildfire!
Bronn @YouDon'tKnowMyFather - 6:20 p.m.
Next time, karaoke. @T_LoGreen
Lord Petyr Baelish @LittlefingerBrothel - 7:00 p.m.
The winner of tonight's Littlefinger Special is… @HoundDogStyle! Come on down and see why they call Bruna the Dornish Dervish!
Sandor Clegane @HoundDogStyle - 7:14 p.m.
Good news, that. Still feel like killing somebody though.
The King's Landing Crier @DailyCrier - 7:45 p.m.
Dog Day Afternoon!!! The Hound slays 3 in brothel riot!!!
Sandor Clegane @HoundDogStyle - 7:45 p.m.
Whew! Almost lost my cool for a second there.
King Joffrey Lannister @YoungJeezy - 8:20 p.m.
g'night world, was your day as dope as mine? haha doubt it. #ImtheKing #BestKingEver #tacos
Ilyn Payne @TasteThePayne - 8:34 p.m.
DOES WANT: http://bit.ly/HrEr2N
Queen Cersei Lannister @QueenCircle - 8:45 p.m.
A raven from the coward Rob Stark revealed that my beloved Jaime is still alive! Justice will yet be done to House Lightbulb!
Queen Cersei Lannister @QueenCersei - 8:46 p.m.
Lannister! I meant House LANNISTER!
Queen Cersei Lannister @QueenCersei - 8:47 p.m.
Devil keep this auto-correct! How do you delete one of these wretched "tweets"?
Tyrion Lannister @T_LoGreen - 8:48 p.m.
@QueenCersei Have you tried beheading it?
Queen Cersei Lannister @QueenCersei - 8:49 p.m.
@T_LoGreen That's it. I'm killing your favorite prostitute.
Tyrion Lannister @T_LoGreen - 8:50 p.m.
A dead prostitute #BetterKingThanJoffrey