Things We Would Love to Hear in Auto-Tune
Once there was a time when MacBooks and computer software were not considered musical instruments. Believe it or not, people played guitars and if you didn’t have the voice to sing, guess what? You didn’t sing!! All that has changed with Auto-Tune—a computer program that has done wonders for attractive people with little talent. This is not about bashing pop stars, though. (They do a fine job of looking ridiculous on their own—Katy Perry anyone?) This is about accepting modern technology. The following is a list (in no particular order) of things we would love to hear in Auto-Tune:
The Star-Spangled Banner: There could be hundreds of videos of people butchering our National Anthem with funny robotic voices, but we wanna see and hear the real deal. We want Usher to march out of the tunnel at Game 7 of the NBA Finals and launch into the Star Spangled Banner in full-on Auto-Tune mode. Imagine the scene when thousands of fans place their hands on their hearts and hear the Anthem as if the singer swallowed a microchip beforehand.
Our Moms Yelling at us. We have a hard enough time holding in laughter when our moms are tearing into us about something insane. It can only be more hysterical if her voice were dubbed in Auto-Tune. It’s hard to feel ashamed of something when my Mom is talking like a robot on helium.
An Auto-Tune episode of American Idol. We're talking about the judges. We would love to hear Randy’s “Dawg” or Stephen Tyler’s howls and awkward pick-up lines or J. Lo’s…wait, what does J. Lo do again?
The Mentos jingle. The Freshmaker just got a little bit fresher! In a strange way, we think the Mentos song would sound better in Auto-Tune. How sick would it be to hear that thing overproduced while people kick soccer balls, or whatever they do in those commercials? We're on to something! This is the MEN-TOS RE-MIXXXXX.
Any line by The Joker in Dark Knight. How do you make a criminally insane wacko sound even more insane? Auto-Tune him! Can you hear him saying, “This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I’m gonna give it to-o-o-o-o them.” We’ve all seen the movie a hundred times anyway, so why not have a little fun and make Gotham’s most reviled criminal sound like a backup singer for Biebs. Honestly, you could do this for any bizarre villain in a movie and it’d be more fun than bashing a piñata filled with butterscotch.
Family Guy. We can see it now: an entire episode where an outbreak of a strange disease spreads throughout Quahog. Next thing you know, Peter, Lois, Chris, and Meg are all talking super-weird, while Brian and Stewie attempt to get to the bottom of things. Turns out a new strain of flu attacks your vocal chords and the side effects are Auto-Tune voice and random hallucinations of Kanye West dancing on money.
Oprah Winfrey yelling names. “Johnny Deeeeeepppp!” “Tina Feeeeeeyyyyyy!” “Rihanaaaaaaa!” Nothing says you’ve arrived in show biz like Oprah bellowing out your name. Since her show went off the air we haven’t heard her bellow out celebs like a circus ringmaster, so we think we owe it to ourselves to hear a remixed version of Oprah’s intros in Auto-Tune.
Classic Disney songs. The sound of Bippity-Boppity-Boo in Auto-Tune would crack us up for hours. It’s Disney for a brand new generation. All your favorites completely Auto-Tuned! Imagine how awful “Under the Sea” could sound or what a complete mess “A Whole New World” would be after the Auto-Tune treatment. Your ears will bleed with magic and explode in all the enchantment that is Walt Disney.
What would you love to hear in Auto-Tune?