Better Baseball Statistics
Baseball season is here! You know what that means: a never ending stream of statistics! RBIs, homeruns, stolen bases, strikeouts, errors, on base percentage, earned run average, the list goes on. Baseball is a game of numbers, but there are some things that no one is keeping track of, and we think it’s time to make that right. Here are some statistics we’d love to see in the box score:Awkward Butt Pats. There’s only one way to celebrate a big play in America’s past time. High five? Nope. Smack your teammate’s bum. Duh. We think it’s time somebody was counting these touching moments of bro-love. Double ABP points for two handers.
Facial hair errors. Professional sports all have their share of problematic face foliage (Lebron James’ classic Amish Chinstrap comes to mind), but baseball seems to take the cake (the mustache cake). Somebody has to start keeping track of these offenses to our eyes. Note: Rollie Fingers style handle-bar mustaches do not count as an error. They are whatever the exact opposite of an error is.
Cool things hit by foul balls. Our favorite part of baseball, aside from hot dog burps, is that special foul ball that hits something you want to see get hit by a baseball. Smash an annoying guy’s blackberry: 20 points. Cause the people not paying attention in a luxury box to scatter: 30 points. Hit the mascot in the head while he’s dancing on the jumbotron: you win.
Crotch grabs per at bat. There are some things that are just pure baseball: the crack of the bat, the smell of fresh cut grass, and of course, adjusting your downstairs area. CG/AP will give us a metric to measure just who are the league leading crotch-grabbers. At the end of the season, the leader will be presented with a golden jockstrap.
Dollars made per swing of the bat. This one might get a little depressing when you find out that A-Rod makes more money taking one practice swing than you will make in the next 11 years.
Caught Swearing on Camera. Amateur lip readers have been tracking this stat for years. Who doesn’t love that awkward moment in the telecast when your favorite player is seen mouthing something that would make Lil Wayne blush? CSoC points will be adjusted based on how feeble of an attempt the play-by-play guys make at changing the subject.
Amount of Performance Enhancing Jewelry That Doesn’t Work Worn Per Player. Have you ever wondered about those strange, dog-collar looking, colored necklaces that every player seems to wear these days? Well, those are titanium and magnet necklaces that are supposed to prevent injuries, stress, and stiffness. This would be awesome, if they actually did any of those things, but they don’t. So let’s start keeping track of who baseball’s biggest suckers are. This one might be tough because as far as I can tell it’s everyone.
What are some stats you think the major league should start keeping track of?