I received some more wonderful questions this week–I hope you guys are benefiting from learning about the love Candace (my excellent, loving girlfriend) and I share. I know I am! Sometimes when Candace and I can’t be together I’ll read her these articles word for word over the phone, and she says they’re so descriptive and poetic it’s like I’m there with her, but I’m somehow made out of words. Let’s get into it!
Do you have a thneed? Has Candace ever worn a snood? What's you favorite middle eastern food? Do you like my necklace? How about this cardigan?
No. Yes. Baba ghanoush. I can’t see it right now. I also can’t see the cardigan, but I trust your taste in cardigans to assume it is excellent.
Well my question for you Read Failure is whether you and Candace love unicorns, I also want to know if you have met her family and what they're like. I know I asked that part last time, but I'm curious.
I only simply like unicorns (I’m reserved in my feelings towards all areas of cryptozoology), and Candace refuses to have opinions on things that don’t exist, like flying saucers, and sanitary public bathrooms.
Sorry I avoided the family question last time, but … well … it’s a hard question to answer. I am ashamed to admit this, but since you are adamant, I will tell you: I have never met Candace’s family. I know what you’re thinking: “But Reid, you visit Candace all the time! You two are inseparable and she’s met both of your parents (who love her so much it’s almost weird for you)! How can you have never met her parents?” The answer is complicated. You see, beautifulblonde7, Candace is part of a very tight knit secretive community, and though we are powerfully (majestically) in love, the risk of bringing in an outsider is dangerous. No, it is not a vampire community. That would be completely stupid. It’s some other … secret … community. I probably shouldn’t even tell you about it. But I will tell you that there’s a lot of magic, and cloaks, and tattoos of skulls and snakes and stuff. It’s mostly gatherings of pale people and a sinister noseless leader. I’ve probably said too much. Some think there’s a prophecy that through our love this secret society will finally come to understand and empathize with humanity, but unfortunately one part of the prophecy doesn’t seem to apply at all, and probably won’t until we get married and it turns out it was true the whole time. You know how prophecies go.
Game of Thrones. Are you in? Are you out?
Oh, I am definitely not joining in on the game of thrones. When you play the game of thrones you win or you die. No third option? It can’t be “you win, or you die, or you get a trophy for participation”? Then no thanks. Plus there’s too many contenders for the crown, though none of the ones I want–or rather, none of the one I want. I’m talking about Hodor. “Hodor! Hodor Hodor Hodor!” “Alright Mr. Hodor, we shall siege Dragonstone.” “Hodor!” “And get you an apple juice.” It would be awesome.
Why wouldn't you invite Sparklers to your wedding? We also love turtles and turtle facts like you and Candace. When is the wedding? Why haven't you married till now?
Who said I wouldn’t invite Sparklers? Didn’t I say I’d invite all my best friends? And yes, my definition of “best friend” does extend to people who occasionally comment friendly-like on my articles; you don’t want to know what meets my definition of “regular friend.” A couple enemies slip into that category, not to mention most cats I see. Anyway, we haven’t set an exact date for the wedding, as we’re still waiting for a mysterious and foreboding cosmic sign to herald that the time is right. Something simple like the Earth’s magnetic poles reversing, or perhaps a bright, red shooting star that’s visible both day and night. Heck, I’d even take a simple cloud spelling out the word “marry!” The exclamation point is utterly necessary though—I’ve had a couple close calls till now. One time a cloud spelled “manly!” and I almost bought a tux and sent out invitations, but I realized what it really said with just enough time to blush and say, “Oh yooouuuu.” Clouds can be so flirty.
What is Candace's favorite Disney movie? What is your favorite DIsney movie? If you two were to be a Disney movie couple who would you be (Flynn Ryder Rapunzel or Aladdin Jasmin or Simba Nala etc)?
Candace’s favorite Disney movie is easily Anastasia. I have tried a few times to explain to her that it’s actually a Fox Animation Studios film, but she can be pretty stubborn about things. As for which Disney couple we’d be, the answer is easy: we’d both be the Great Mouse Detective. He plays violin, solves mysteries, and is brilliant without rival—there’s no better match for him than himself. Sorry if that wasn’t quite the answer you were looking for, but conventional relationships typically fail to define what Candace (my girlfriend) and I share. If you want to draw an analogy you need to turn to the impossible.
That’s it for this week! If you have any questions about the passionate love I share with Candace and the intricate details of our relationship, leave them in the comments! I will answer more next week! Until then: I love you, Candace.
(Or leave questions for CANDACE HERSELF. We hear she's an excellent writer.) —Editors