Katy Perry: Moonlighting SuperSoldier or Demon Goddess?
Some unsettling footage of sparkle-pop princess Katy Perry has just arisen.
We've long suspected Perry—born Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson—to be some sort of stealth super-being, and we've got the scholarly backup to prove it (more on that below). But after reviewing this disturbing tape, in which the starlet completes 13 weeks of intensive marine corps training (and apparently some non-regulation underwater explosives clinics just for kicks) in three minutes, we fear that Billboard supremacist Kay Pay may be even more cray cray than previously imagined.
Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson
Glamburger with cheese
The Teenage Dream
The California Gurl
The Pink Prophet
The Spine Collector
She Who Kissed A Girl
She Who Woke Up In Vegas
She Who Is Both Hot and Cold
She Who Has All The Money
Though Hudson is notorious for broadcasting positive messages of empowerment and self-worth through her music, skeptics warn that the starlet's seemingly innocuous pop transmissions may actually be coded messages of obedience, self-destruction, and cultish brainwashing.
Lyrics in many of Hudson's chart-topping songs demonstrably encourage submission, promiscuity, and the purposeful repetition of unhealthy decisions made last Friday night. Unfortunately, few fans are capable of escaping Hudson's sirenlike allure to decipher these codes.
Hudson's followers, self-described Katycats or Disciples of the Glitter Cross, turn out in legions to preach the Cult of Perrydise. Many such disciples have have been observed bursting into spontaneous fits of shrieking, paralysis, and speaking in tongues at the mere sight of their high priestess. Indeed, Hudson's influence is so powerful that a simple utterance can apparently tip the balance between peaceful jubilation, and abject chaos.
The most popular theory among supernatural pop scholars (Crypto-crapologists) is that Hudson is, in fact, some kind of reawakened demon queen of old—possibly the latest incarnation of the legendary Lilith—bent on seducing and consuming the world's youth until all who would divert the future from her will are a physical and metaphorical part of her. After Total Global Consumption (TGC) is achieved, scholars suspect Hudson will paint everything pink.
Powers and Abilities:
- Perky Chest of Sublime Distraction. Yes—these. Scholars believe that in ancient times Hudson employed her breasts to distract Grecian sailors while their unpiloted mercantile vessels veered into the jagged rocks of her island domain. Others suspect that the breasts, in fact, contain the pop star's immortal essence, have existed since Biblical times, and simply sprout a new body once every 40 years or so to renew their influence. At the peak of its power today, Hudson's chest has been observed erupting in deadly sparks, distracting passersby and setting entire Scandinavian villages aflame. AHH—Turn away! Turn away!
- Global Ninja Army. Hudson admits in recent bootleg footage secured by one of our top crypto-pop spies that she has a far-reaching network of shinobi warriors at her command, including a squad of "Ninjas in London" poised to strike at her command. Unfortunately, our man has not been heard from since, though we recently received an unmarked parcel containing what appears to be his press credentials, painted pink and slathered in glitter.
- In addition to her cabal of cult followers and ninja network, Hudson also commands a demon liger called Kitty Purry, a feline companion as loyal as it is ferocious.
- Marine Corps training. (see above)
- Unwavering, Cult-Goddess Influence (see above)
Only one man has proven brave—or foolish—enough to infiltrate Hudson's inner circle, and her heart.
Russel Brand, whose power is mighty and unpredictable in its own right, married Hudson in October 2010, but was forced to leave her after irreconcilable differences arose earlier this year. Where love once existed, now only terror reigns, and Hudson has been spotted fleeing Brand across the globe. What sublime power does this mad warlock possess???
Hudson is also notoriously susceptible to the torments of jet lag, likely due to the lack of souls readily available for consumption 40,000 feet above sea level.
Based on reported dining habits, we can confirm Hudson is NOT a vampire. This would have been valuable information before we assembled all those glitter pitchforks.
Help us out! What else about Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson's immortal reign?