Last night’s Game of Thrones reminded me of a joke I heard once. Come in closer, it’s kind of a dirty joke so I don’t want to be too loud. Closer than that. Closer! So, you see…
[FARTS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY.]
That never gets old!
[GETS EATEN BY A DIREWOLF.]
Oh come on, fart jokes are funny! Not very highbrow, sure, but funny! Bah, everyone’s a critic. Cue the little clockwork buildings, it’s Game of Thrones time.
1. Joffrey is totally Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. He dresses well, he’s rich beyond measure, and he tortures women for fun. I don’t know about you, but I’d say Tyrion’s plan to get the kid some lady action so that he wouldn’t be such a psychopath kinda backfired there. Ditto with his sage reminder, “Hey, that’s how the Mad King got his lulz too, and remember how his long and glorious reign ended? That’s right, sword in the back.” It’s pretty obvious now, if it wasn’t already, that this story isn’t going to end with Joffrey apologizing for being such a jerk all his life and going off to The Wall to live out his days in zombie-hunting service to Westeros. Honestly, his scenes are getting harder to watch. The only question now is who’s going to get him, and when. And I’m remembering how the Mad King was killed by his most trusted bodyguard … and that old Dog is looking to be more and more on Team Sansa.
2. If you love someone, send her husband’s corpse in a box. Tommy Carcetti—I mean, Littlefinger—again proves himself to be the smoothest operator in all the Seven Kingdoms. That might have been sarcastic. I mean seriously, couldn’t he have told Catelyn what he brought before she opened it? It’s one thing to say, “I’ve brought your husband’s remains, so he can be properly buried in the family crypts.” It’s quite another to let her open up the box like it’s a birthday present. Surprise, rotting head! It’s this year’s number one gift item! Scented or … well, these don’t really come in an unscented variety. Though I suppose that, like everything this guy does, there’s more than one level of meaning to it. As in “make this trade, Jaime Lannister for your two girls, or next time it could be one of them in the box.” Of course, Team Lannister doesn’t even have both girls. Oh wait…
3. Arya can quit pretending to be a boy now. It’s kept her alive this long, but old Tywin Lannister, who I don’t think we’ve seen yet this season, is a bit smarter than the rest and can see past “Oh, the kid’s got short hair, must be a boy then.” Now the question is whether he’ll figure out which girl this is. Oh, who are we kidding, this is Old Man Lannister we’re talking about: yes, he’ll figure out pretty quickly that this is the missing Arya Stark. Then what? It’s also interesting how Arya goes to sleep reciting the list of people against whom she wants revenge. I totally do the exact same thing! Coincidentally, my list is also the starting lineup for the Phillies.
4. Hey, Dany’s done wandering the desert! Meet the Qartheen Thirteen! There’s the fat guy from Beetlejuice, and Tyler Perry, and not saying anything, Background Voldemort! There’s a distinct possibility now that this part of the story might actually go somewhere. Naturally, Dany turns right to Jorah for exposition, but that’s his job I suppose—to tell us who everyone is and what’s going on, with that incredible voice of his. Seriously, if I were Danaerys, I’d be pointing at every random thing I could find, just to have Jorah explain its history. I’m totally jealous of Iain Glen’s voice is what I’m saying here. He’s what the word “mellifluous” means, you don’t have to look it up. But getting back from that tangent—I didn’t catch what not-actually-Tyler Perry’s name was, just that it was kind of rhymey and made me and everyone I was watching with laugh. Maybe that’s why he cut his hand, not just to symbolically vouch for Dany, but also to distract everyone from that ridiculous thing he just said his name was. And I know it’s a film cliché, but really the palm of your hand is the worst place you can cut yourself. Sure, it’s dramatic, but that’ll never really properly scab over and heal. You’re just asking for infection.
And finally (you knew I’d be getting to this eventually),
5. Holy crap, Melisandre was like instantly pregnant, and then gave birth to a smoke demon monster baby! Maybe I should have said “holy smoke,” because that would be more appropriate. On a couple of levels. I guess this is how Team Stannis is dealing with Renly’s superior numbers. I’ll be honest—I’m kinda scared of Mel now. She’s like a dude’s nightmare come to life. I swear, if that smoke demon monster baby turns into my 10th grade science teacher and asks for that report that’s due that I haven’t even started yet … I’m going to have to stop watching. But this is how you make a great hour of television: you start it with a fart joke, and end it with SMOKE DEMON MONSTER BABY.
Until next week!