Shakespeare Hits on Modern Girls
It is I, William Shakespeare, and today I’m 448!
You may think that I’m crusty and musty and old
But my charms on the ladies never went out of date
For my rhymes were aphrodisiatic and bold.
So to celebrate my birth, come watch a master
As I charm every female and lady in sight
You’ve never seen anyone smoother or faster
Pick up so many ladies in a row in one night!
Shall I compare thee to a JV Pep Rally?
Your pom poms are the key to my heart’s lock
And, verily, you are in shape. Lucille Roberts? Bally?
Surely you are an earthquake, for my world did you just rock.
So after the game, my Hyundai shall I get
And I shall help you ditch your lame friend Heather.
As the bard, I hold command of the entire alphabet
So I shall endeavor to put U and I together.
From afar, I saw you last summer at band camp
Your legs must be tired, for through my mind they’ve been running
The clarinet and oboe girls, to you they cannot hold a lamp
Of all the strings and woodwinds, you are the most stunning.
I would resin your bow any day of the week
So let me carry your violin, case, and accessories
It is only your love, affection and heart that I seek
Because, madam, I would like to bag you like so many groceries
Rebel girl, I am attracted and yet scared of thee
With thine conflicting emotions, I know not where to start.
Might you empty out your pockets so I can see
Because I think just you may have stolen my heart.
Please, put down the baseball bat and stay
I know, inside, your true self is soft as fleece.
Let down your guard and, may I just say,
You are so sweet that I now have cavities.
By Zeus’s beard, my search has gone both near and far
For a bookish girl who understands each word I say.
My only hope is that you are learned in CPR
For your four eyes have ta’en my breath away.
Let us steal off to a library carrel or study compartment
But first, may I ask, and I am not joking
Do you have the number for the fire department
Because, m’lady, your body is smoking.