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How To Conquer Your Itch-tastic Allergies

How To Conquer Your Itch-tastic Allergies

By Brandon Specktor

The Stoplight...

The Scarlet Blinkernel…

Colonel Fire Iris...

Charles…

Oh, excuse me. I was just workshopping a few supervillain names for my bloodshot left eyeball.

"But, why ever is your left eyeball bloodshot?" I ask aloud in my best ventriloquist voice. That's a thoughtful question, thank you for caring. It so happens that my left eyeball is bloodshot because, for the past 6 days, I have been attempting incessantly to SCRATCH THE ALLERGIES OUT OF IT.

Springtime is funtime for a lot of reasons. Pool parties. Cake at pool parties. Nature quietly procreating instead of quietly dying alone in the cold. But easily the worst thing about springtime is the veritable allergen apocalypse (good metal band name) that blazes invisibly through the open air like so many Quidditch ghosts.

Well, friends, we've had enough! Enough of the allergens. Join our protest against pollen pollution by tweeting your resolution to #FightThePollen @TheMindHut, then try these Internet-approved methods for curing your oppressive allergies—or at least avoiding the Itchy Eye—today:

  • Changing your clothes after spending time outdoors will prevent pollen from lingering 'round your pores (AKA "skin-nostrils.") Note, however, that pulling a pollen-covered shirt over your head can lead to unwanted facial contact with allergens. Instead, cut your shirt off after every outing. Repeat this method after any emails, chats or phone calls with anyone who's recently been outside.
  • Tape, glue or staple your hands to your desk until the Summer solstice (which, don't worry, falls on Wednesday, June 20th.)
  • Point your wand toward a mirror, perform the usual hand motions and incant, "Reducto Congestum!" Results should be immediate. ((Warning: DO NOT PAUSE after saying "reducto," or your tongue may become, like, hilariously small.))
  • Start eating local honey to desensitize your system to local pollens. This one might actually be true, but if you see no results, try removing trace amounts of your allergen from the Sniffle Vial you keep in your sock and sprinkle a dash into every meal.
  • Be the first kid in class to start this year's WWII-era Gas Mast trend.
  • Vacuuming can disturb otherwise dormant dust particles in your home, and give them license to dance their merry dance about your faceholes. Never, ever vacuum.
  • If you feel a sneeze coming on, hold it in, then send a tax-deductible postcard to the White House Dept. of Nasal Passage Security and apply for your free Sneeze Prevention kit (limit 4/household.)
  • Make out furiously with the person sitting nearest to you, right now. No time to look— JUST GO! GO!
  • Construct a Pollen Pylon to Allerjesus and burn for him an offering of last year's petals. If you don't have any petals, render their likeness in your phone's Draw Something app and burn that instead.
  • Wreath yourself in one or more Benadryl necklaces. Get a pharmacist to bless them for extra luck/allergy prevention/a bountiful harvest this quarteryear's eve.
  • Stay indoors, forever.

Hope that helps! And remember to #FightThePollen!

Tags: guides, annoying things, summer, funny things, allergies, how to, tips

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

For 22 years, Brandon was a fat kid living in Tucson, AZ, which gave him lots and lots of time to write. He now works at a magazine in New York City, but still loves writing almost as much as he loves muffins.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.