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Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Become a Cyborg

Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Become a Cyborg

By reidfaylor

Hello, Reiders! A lot of you guys had some very pressing concerns—I’m glad you turned to me for advice. If I didn’t answer your question specifically (there were so many!), I’ve gone ahead and answered all the other questions with the same all-purpose piece of advice: if you break your own arm, the state will hire someone to write for you. Onto the questions!

FROM: Norberta

What are the answers to the history quiz I have this Friday? And the math test the Friday after that? And for every test for the rest of the year? Thanks.

I’ve been talking to your teachers in my spare time, they’re regulars on the big teacher chat rooms like TeachTalk and TaughtyNaughty (you can find me on there most Sunday mornings by the name LiTtLeButTz). Anyway, they’ve told me in confidence that the history quiz is secretly the math test, and the math test is secretly the history quiz—they switched them up! It’s a mean trick, but it happens sometimes when your heart becomes hardened from years of teaching. Take note that the questions on the respective tests will appear the same; it’s just the answers that are swapped. Here’s an example:

QUESTION: What ultimately determined the Union victory in the American Civil War?

ANSWER: -4/5

QUESTION: Find the slope of the equation y = -4/5x + 7.

ANSWER: Abraham Lincoln’s secret diary.

And remember, tests are longer than quizzes, so leave most of the math questions unanswered to get full points.

FROM: CrystalSoda

I want to become a veterinarian but I'm deathly afraid of parasites. Should I pursue a veterinary career anyway?

It was once said in a movie “We are only afraid of what we don’t understand.” Maybe it was several movies that said this, or maybe it was TV. The point: I’ve heard it somewhere before. Thus, in order to become a successful veterinarian, you must conquer this parasite fear by becoming a parasite. Find one of the larger students in your school and with some climbing hooks and glue tuck yourself under a fold of their skin. How long you stay depends on the severity of your fear, but I’d recommend at least one week, perhaps even a month or two. Learn what it means to be a pest to a larger host animal, what it means to be with a host day and night, through their good times and bad, and also through their showers. You’ll understand the scorn a parasite feels, how everyone always disses on parasitism, saying it’s “not as good” as symbiotic relationships. It will make you stronger, except of course for all the blood you’ll be drinking, which will make you weaker because people aren’t really supposed to do that. Finally, after giving your host Lyme disease, you’ll truly be ready for whatever-it-was-you-asked-about-in-the-first-place.

FROM: Dreamadiraining

What books should I read next? Assuming I should read.

You should read this book: The Feline Wizard: A Wizard in Rhyme. I have done very little research, but from what I can tell it’s about a princess who can turn into a magical cat by rhyming. It’s also the last book in the series, which is probably a good place to start. After reading this, I’m gonna need you to find a quick and efficient means to induce blindness, because after this book to read anything else would be a crime.

Dang, the more I think about it, this may actually be very good advice. Maybe you should do the blinding bit first.

FROM: bearbaitbrook

How do I help my guy BFF get over a girl that he says he's in love with, but who doesn't like him back? ... that's a simplified version, its much more complicated. But you get the gist.

The problem with your friend is his weak, human emotions. Obviously, he is too human, thus replacing his many human parts with superior, unfeeling, robot appendages is a quick fix. Arm? Get out of here! Give him a robot claw. Lungs? No way! Give the kid some vacuum tubes. Bladder? Gross! Dumb! Most any bucket or plastic bag will serve the same purpose as long as you never lie down or do a hand stand. You’ll see his inferior human emotions fade in no time.

“Friend-bot, do you still love that girl?”

“NEGATIVE, LOVE IS AN EMOTION I NO LONGER FEEL BEEP BOOP.”

“Friend-bot, what is 45 squared divide by 5?”

“TRICK QUESTION: ANSWER IS ELI WHITNEY, THE INVENTOR OF THE COTTON GIN.”

“Friend-bot, are you my friend?”

“BEEP BOOP DESTROY ALL HUMANS.”

See? All better!

FROM: daughterofthedemon

I am in desperate need to have this question answered: How do I put on makeup? You know, eyeliner, lipstick, concealer and the like. It would help if you told me how to do it really quick too, so that I can do it every morning and still be on time for school.

Here’s a trick (hand) models use all the time: you can do all your makeup with just lipstick! Smear some under your eyes, over your ears, in your eyes (just a little!), on your mouth, and in a long smudge around your hairline so people can easily identify where skin ends and hair begins. The hair-skin boundary is crucial for beauty and stuff. With a few simple motions and one color, you’ll be done in no time!

If you have a question and need some advice, be sure to leave your question in the comments and I’ll answer as many as I can next week!

Tags: sparklers, comments, life, funniest, bad advice, let me give you bad advice

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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