Dear John Madden Game Designer/Planner People,
So, the cat's out of the bag. It's been trending on Twitter even. Megatron is going to be on the cover of the new John Madden football video game.
Guys, let's back up for a second. Does this even make sense to you? Megatron is a GIANT FREAKING ALIEN ROBOT from the planet of Cybertron. CYBERTRON. A little bit of Wikipedia-ing tells us that usually the guys on the cover of those Madden games are, well, not giant alien robots (although possibly being from Wisconsin makes you some kind of alien. Note to self: investigate Brett Favre further).
But yeah. Megatron's like twenty stories tall, is made of metal, and can turn himself into a gun. Or a tank. Or a plane. Or a tyrannosaurus rex (depending on what version of Transformers you prefer). He doesn't play football, and he definitely doesn't turn into a lion in any of the versions of the Beast Wars mythology I'm aware of (which of course includes the Japanese series Beast Wars II and Beast Wars Neo. Duh).
But wait. Hm. Let's think about this. Maybe the answer to our question has been staring us in the face all along. Maybe Megatron has… adapted. That what Transformers do, right? He's taken on another form, guys… this time in the shape of one Calvin Johnson, a 6'5'' wide receiver who turned heads during his four years at Georgia Tech, a school where some consider him to be the best receiver of all time.
See, we did a little research on this "Calvin Johnson" guy. And the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. At Georgia Tech "Johnson" ranks first in school history in regards to receiving yards (2,927), second in receptions (178), and first in touchdown receptions. He was the Rookie of the Year in his conference in 2004, and the Player of the Year two years later. In 2007, he was even voted "Best Wide Receiver in the Nation" by the noobs on IGN.com. Those noobs.
Now look at those stats. Really look at them. Do they strike you as the work of a mere human being? Or do you think that maybe, just maybe, there are some… extraordinary forces at work here? Isn't it POSSIBLE that at some point in his early life, the man once known Calvin Johnson was replaced by an insidious robot in disguise from another galaxy? Isn't it even PROBABLE?
What stats AREN'T you sharing with us, Mr. "Johnson"? I bet you lead the league in AUTOBOTS KILLED, huh? Or TIMES TURNED INTO A COOL THING WITH WEAPONS. Or AWESOME NICKNAMES TO CALL PUNY HUMANS. Those are all achievements you racked up too. But you're hiding them from us.
But no longer. Your secret's out now. Everyone thought this "Megatron" nickname was SO CUTE. But it's going to be your undoing. We know your secret, we know your plan. And we're taking you down.
PS If I were you, I'd watch out for your teammate, running back "Maurice Morris"... or, as he is known by his real name, Starscream.