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Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: Kissing on Dog Lips

Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: Kissing on Dog Lips

By reidfaylor

I received some very imaginative questions this time! I’ve become very impressed by the scenarios you all have come up with. Let us waste no time—onto the questions!

FROM: iheartsomeone

If Candace and you were having a no talking contest and you desperately needed to tell her you loved her, how would you do it? No texting, typing, writing, or morse code. Or kissing.. Ew.

To be honest, I’d probably just take the hit and lose the contest. I’m not that prideful to try to win a contest if it means I can’t tell my darling Candace (my girlfriend) that I love her. Most likely though, right as I decide to purposely lose to declare my feelings, she would decide the same thing at the exact same time and in unison we’d both shout, “It’s not worth winning if I can’t say ‘I love you!’” We’d both start hugging and kissing then because that’s incredibly romantic and very well timed.

However, if for some reason I just couldn’t speak in general, I’d probably state my love by completing some intense physical task to which undying love is the only explanation. This way, by simply observing the spectacular feat, Candace would immediately understand the unstated message: I love you! Among the acts I’d consider: fighting a bear with a shark (by that I mean using a shark as a weapon to fight a bear), swallowing a handful of Legos (the wide kind you use as the ground when building a Lego scene), or throwing a hornet’s nest into a grocery store. Especially with the last one, it’s hard to watch that and think anything except, “Wow, that boy really loves someone.”

FROM: bluegirl285746

What is Candace's biggest fear (other than losing you... which is impossible because you guys are the power couple of the century. Brangelina had nothing on you two)

Candace’s biggest fear is easily a clown with spiders for eyes, whose hands are also snakes. Clowns don’t necessarily bother her, nor spiders or snakes, but the moment you put them together for some reason it gives her the willies.

FROM: Cholette

What would you do if Candace said she wanted to be Bella Swan and have a Twilight-esque relationship with you as her Edward Cullen (or Jacob Black, either way Bella's pretty fickle).

I would be pretty confused if she said this to me. I mean, what Candace and I share is widely considered to be the greatest story of love of all time, and I just don’t understand being in the greatest love story of all time and getting jealous of the second greatest love story of all time.

FROM: the_lol_chick

Ok... What would you do if...*drumroll please* You got bitten by a radioactive chiuaua and became Toy Dog Man in which you turned into a killer chiuaua at will. But the downside was that you were scared to death of Candace and took off running in fear every time you saw her. What would you do? You have to admit that this is an imaginative question

This is admittedly a very imagination question. However, I must point out, if I had the power to become a killer Chihuahua (I didn’t even need spellcheck, I just nailed that word first try–yeah!), my name would not be Toy Dog Man. It would still be Reid. I don’t know why I need to change my name with the influx of new powers–I’m still the same Reid, whether I’m a human or a violent, blood-spilling dog.

Now, as enticed as I am about being able to murder rampantly and doing this as a tiny dog, I’d be willing to sacrifice becoming a dog if it meant I was too afraid to be near Candace while in dog form. Murder and a tail do sound cool, but if while in command of these I can’t be close to my beautiful lover, then no ma’am, I can’t do it.

Of course, in the climax of the story there’d probably be a scene in which Candace is in peril and the only way I can save her is by becoming the killer Chihuahua. It would be a really compelling scene because as much as I want to protect Candace, as a dog I’m too afraid to be near her, yet I need to be like this to save her life. Tension would rise and the soundtrack would start playing an escalating string section, when finally I break through my fear and realize it’s not Candace I’m afraid of –I’m afraid of losing her. The fear conquered, I would lunge for the attacker’s throat in just the nick of time, and Candace, being so impressed by my newfound fearlessness, would kiss me on my dog lips.

So, to answer your question, if at will I could become a killer Chihuahua whose weakness is fear of my girlfriend, I would simply throughout the course of a compelling drama defeat that fear. Also, I would tell the radioactive dog’s owners that he’s been biting people. I mean, sure, he gave me incredible powers, but that kind of behavior needs to be reprimanded and corrected. A lot of people buy puppies not realizing the commitment required. You need to train your dog; it’s not a toy, it’s a responsibility.

That’s it for this week! If you have a question about my relationship with my very real girlfriend Candace, be sure to leave your question in the comments and I’ll answer as many as I can next week! As always, I love you, Candace.

Tags: relationships, sparklers, girlfriends, funny things, sparkler questions, funniest, reid faylor has a girlfriend

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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