Last night on Game of Thrones, we saw what the purpose of that weird smoke-and-shadow demon-baby Melisandre gave birth to was when it appeared in Renly Baratheon’s tent and stabbed him through the heart. If you’re anything like me, you were probably on the edge of your seat, wondering: what could possibly happen next? I don’t mean for the various warring and plotting factions of Westeros, though—I want to know what’s going to happen next for the Shadow Baby.
Luckily, George R.R. Martin is my next door neighbor* (I call him “The Railroad”), and so I was able to ask exactly that. Here are a few hints he dropped!
- The Shadow Baby will get a little older and go to Shadow School. In time, it will become the Shadow Teen, which will still look vaguely like Stannis Baratheon, but with shadow acne. It’ll meet the Shadow Girl, and eventually work up the courage to ask her to the Shadow Dance.
- The Shadow Baby will journey to Middle-Earth, where it will bond with the Balrog over their shared experience of being made mostly out of CGI smoke. They decide to form a band, and though death metal seems to be their obvious genre, while jamming they discover they also share a secret love for '70s disco, and instead decide to be an Earth Wind & Fire cover band.
- Following that, the Shadow Baby will take up residence on a mysterious island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean and/or spacetime. There, it will engage in a proxy battle with Jacob, a mysterious immortal who bears a more than passing resemblance to the blond thug from The Big Lebowski, using the survivors of a plane crash as its pawns.
- Footage from the Shadow Baby’s murder of Renly will be re-appropriated for use in an antismoking PSA. Entitled “Smoking Will Come Up Behind You and Stab You Through the Heart,” the ad will be even more effective than the one with the guy with the hole in his throat, though critics will be quick to point out that it’s a Shadow Baby and not a Smoke Baby.
- Shadow Baby will read the entire Song of Ice and Fire series, becoming completely insufferable to everyone watching the show who hasn’t read the books. Shadow Baby will natter on and on, spoiling which characters will die and complaining endlessly about how the show changed Asha’s name to Yara. No one will find Shadow Baby amusing. No one.
- Finally, the Shadow Baby will realize its true destiny: as a secret character in Mortal Kombat.
What do you think is going to happen to Shadow Baby?