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Why "Titanic"? Why Not "Lusitania"?

Why

By Robert Isenberg

Titanic has returned in 3-D, and by now, everybody's sick of hearing about it. Yes, the ship still sinks. Yes, Leo gets the girl, and then freezes to death. Yes, giant blue diamonds are still a rebellious-turn-of-the-century girl's best friend. But enough about Titanic. Let's talk about the RMS Lusitania.

That is, the other giant trans-Atlantic steamer that sank in the middle of the night.

Why has nobody made a movie about the Lusitania? Wait—why haven't they made lots of movies about the Lusitania? Why not a Tony-sweeping Broadway musical, a terrible TV movie that nobody remembers, or a YA novel that everybody reads in sixth grade? What's the big deal about Titanic? Some guys played cards, the ship hit a giant chunk of ice, and half the dudes threw on ball gowns to get onto the life rafts. That's not awesome. That's pathetic, in every possible way.

Let's look at why Lusitania would make a way better movie:

The Ship Sailed During World War I: Okay, right off the bat, there's a giant global war going on. Titanic didn't sail during a war. Titanic sailed in 1912, a year that nothing else happened. Lusitania sank in 1915, right in the middle of the biggest war of all time. Intrigue! Suspense! Newspapers twirling in front of the camera! Point Lusitania.

Everybody on Board Was Warned: There were warnings posted everywhere. The gist: DON'T GET ON THIS SHIP, BECAUSE YOU MIGHT GET TORPEDOED BY EVIL GERMAN U-BOAT CAPTAINS. This is like every horror movie ever. DON'T GO INTO THE BASEMENT ALONE. DON'T STAY OVERNIGHT IN THE ABANDONED MOTEL. Do they listen? No. Titanic was just "unsinkable." Lame.

Lusitania Was Smuggling Guns: Um, like, come on. A secret stash of guns? Titanic wasn't smuggling anything, except for Leonardo DiCaprio. And unlike almost any case of gun-smuggling, these guns were sent to help the British win World War I. So you could say it was good gun-smuggling. Especially if you like Downton Abbey and you really want the British to win.

German U-Boats Secretly Chased Lusitania: Now we've got a plot. U-boats (old German submarines) are now secretly following the Lusitania. And as everybody knows, Germans in old-fashioned uniforms make the best villains. And Germans in a secret underwater ship? Carrying torpedoes? Chasing innocent civilians? Seriously, could this plot possibly be better?

The U-Boat Torpedoed Lusitania: ACTION! EXPLOSIONS! GRIM-LOOKING CAPTAIN! Did Titanic's hull explode because a water-based rocket slammed into it? No! But Lusitania's did. Obviously no one really wants innocent Edwardians get blown up on their trans-Altantic vacation... but nobody wants innocent Edwardians to sink into a freezing Arctic bath. Since it happened 97 years ago, we're allowed to get excited about it. As drama goes, torpedoes beat icebergs by a long shot.

Lusitania Sank Sideways: Okay, admittedly not as dramatic as a ship upending, splitting in half, and then having guys in tuxedoes slide down the deck like shuffleboard pucks. Just sayin' it happened.

The German Empire Lost the War: The story even ends with sweet, sweet revenge. What did the Titanic survivors do? Outlaw icebergs?

And if you really wanted, you could make Lusitania a sequel to Titanic, since everybody on the Lusitania knew what happened to the Titanic and they got onboard anyway.

This movie absolutely has to be made. In 3D. With rehashed Braveheart music by James Horner.

The best part: Kate Winslett could still star, as the same character.

After all, the Lusitania also carried cars.

Tags: movies, life, funniest

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