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10 Sports Designed for Nerds

10 Sports Designed for Nerds

By Robert Isenberg

Let's talk sports.

Because there are some sports designed for nerds.

And don't pretend we mean "games," because games are not sports. You will never break an exertion-based sweat by winning speed-chess. Tension-sweat? Yes. Glandular fever sweat? Hopefully not. But we mean real sweat, from burning real calories. In a fun way! A way designed by a Great Nerd God specifically for people like us, who like sitting.

Since most nerds tend to be "smart" and "socially independent" and not "menacing" or "sociopathic," nerd sports do not generally include football or rugby. Sure, that one kid in E.T. played both football and D&D, but nobody remembers that, and anyway, that's the magic of fiction. Most real nerds would prefer a sport without big teams, long-distance running, or broken glasses. Some kind of legendary background is always helpful. For example:

Fencing: There is no finer nerd-sport than fencing, which requires footwork, coordination, and a yearning to fight other people with swords. With swords!

Disc Golf: Golf, but with tough plastic discs that are not trademarked as Frisbees, but are basically exactly like Frisbees. You throw them through a big, public park, for free. They land in wire baskets specifically designed for you, the disc golf player. No need to run. (But no golf carts).

Bocce: "Lawn bowling" is leaning toward the "game" end of sports, but what's good enough for an old drugstore owner named "Chubs" is good enough for us. If he and his "fellas" call it a sport, call it a sport.

Dance Dance Revolution: Okay, look—almost every nerd in Japan lives and dies by Dance Dance Revolution, and they burn millions of calories every time. Individually. And who's gonna care if you lose? Machines don't talk smack. They just play another song.

Tennis: David Foster Wallace LOVED tennis, and there was no nerdier a writer than David Foster Wallace.

Wii Fitness: Far from actual treadmills, yoga mats or spinning classes, Wii Fitness is the ultimate combination of robot-age technology and really private exercise routines. Nerds don't lift barbells in a garage! Our dads don't blow whistles in our faces, pretending to be coaches. Let the wide-screen TV be your coach! In your living room. After school. When nobody else is home yet.

LARPing: (Sigh). If it gets you out of the house.

SCUBA: Look, Jacque Cousteau was the world's biggest nerd. He was a marine biologist and inventor, for crying outloud. An inventor who invented deep-sea diving. And attached bombs to Nazi warships. There's even math involved!

Laser Tag: There is a major distinction between Laser Tag and Paintball: Paintball hurts. Don't believe that guy with the blond mustache and the camo gear. He's either joshing you or he is actually impervious to pain. Paintballs cause serious welts, believe us. Laser Tag? Same idea, but in the dark, with hilarious lasers and sound effects.

Curling: Four words: It's in the Olympics.

What are your favorite sports?

Tags: sports, life, funniest

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