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Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Wear Less Helmets!

Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Wear Less Helmets!

By reidfaylor

Some really tough questions in this week's batch! Thankfully I was here; I'm pretty sure I guided people in the right direction. Again, if I didn't answer your question, here's a general, all-purpose piece of advice: most people will trust anyone dressed as a police officer—go out and make some friends! Onto the questions!

FROM: XTheInvincible

How do I stop being cynical, cautious, and mistrustful of humanity and instead cultivate the naivete, blind trust, and general complete and utter idiocy that people my age are supposed to have?

The problem here is all this thinking and smart-stuff. First off, you gotta stop using those big words—no one will take you seriously if you’re flinging five dollar words like “naivete” and “complete.” Simplify! Naivete? Try “dumb bad.” Complete? Try “all-the-stuff.” Heck, toss out most of your vocabulary! Are you bogged down by words like “great” and “terrific”? Just use “good” or “double-plus-good” if it’s really nice. It makes language fun!

However, what your problem is really solved by is blunt head trauma. You see, the crux of your conflict comes from a properly functioning brain; remedying this via painful cranium collisions will be your biggest concern. “But Reid, I don’t want to hit my head painfully and repeatedly with extra wood panels from IKEA!” Hey, I said nothing about IKEA, but I like your creativity. There are ways around this. Do you see people hoisting a piano to a second story? Don’t just stand under there—eat your lunch there. Start riding a motorcycle; claim helmets are “double-plus-bad.” Accentuate your wardrobe with gang colors, and start taking strolls.

You can even go another less physically painful route: try eating most metals you see! Lead has a variety of easily digestible forms—try ‘em all! In no time at all your taxing, cumbersome, cynical intelligence will be replaced by a happy-go-lucky lead-poisoning-induced delirium –perfect for parties!

FROM: Fiction_is_Forever

What should I buy my brother for his birthday? (He will be fifteen, if that helps).

You should get him this book: The Feline Wizard: A Wizard in Rhyme. I have done very little research, but from what I can tell it’s about a princess who can turn into a magical cat by rhyming. It’s also the last book in the series, which is probably a good place to start. I can’t get enough of this book!

If you’re not into this, well, you simply can’t compete with the sentimentality of a hand-made gift. But take it a step further—if your hands can make a good gift, your body must produce a great gift. Give him a heap of whatever your body naturally produces! I refuse to say exactly what this is; I allow you to draw your own conclusions.

FROM: jpaps7

How should I decide which college to go to?

Jpaps7, I have a secret for you: all colleges are the same. Don’t tell no one—shh, it’s a secret! Colleges do not have different curricula, areas of expertise, or varying degrees of prestige; they differ only in sports mascots and topiary arrangements, and even then you still get a lot of oaks and poplars. Base your decision on easier criteria: which has the longest name? Purdue? Boo! Heidelberg? Better. Gary Goldwich’s Beverage and Root Beer Academy for Thirst-a-demics? That’s the ticket! You don’t need to go to some fancy Ivy League school; the Beverage and Root Beer Academy for Thirst-a-demics can give you the exact same degree as some kind of reputable institution, everything from Sassparilla Analysis and basic Beveragology, to more advanced degrees like Cola Economics and Adding-Cherry-Syrup-to-Stuff.

Also, if you can, make sure the biggest name is also the most expensive. Nothing impresses future employers like crippling crippling debt.

FROM: awesomenesslyness

How do you get an article published on SparkLife? Or series or whatever...

First answer: dark blood magic.

Second answer: I don’t really know how the process works. Somehow, I got this writing position, so by logic, if you want to write for SparkLife/MindHut, you must become me.

It’s a pretty simple transition.

  1. Grow a beard.
  2. Wear strictly button-down shirts.
  3. Learn to resent talented children.
  4. Try and look like a young boy trapped inside a slightly larger boy’s body.
  5. Develop an unquenchable thirst for turtle knowledge.
  6. Years of agonizing cosmetic surgery.

If you do all this, even our mothers won’t be able to tell us apart. From there, it’s really quite simple. You see, I am me, and I write for The MindHut. Since you are also me, you also must write for The MindHut. Congratulations! Here’s your first assignment: write as many tweets as you can about a young adult fantasy series you haven’t necessarily read.

Third answer: more blood magic.

That's it for this week, but if you have any questions that could require some honest and helpful advice, be sure to leave them in the comments. I'll answer as many as I can next week!

Tags: sparklers, advice, life, funniest, bad advice, let me give you bad advice

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.