Distinguishing Powers: Can instill temporary guilt in the hearts of irresponsible consumers; has a carbon footprint of zero (carbons/toe); can take discarded weaponry/equipment from ex-Avengers and/or construction workers and craft them into new, slightly less-effective weaponry/equipment and/or construction supplies; is vegan and proud—super proud.
Reason Rejected: Hipster smugness
Nick Fury Says: "OK, THIS dude was goin' ON and ON about how his shield was made from 100%…cruelty-free…reclaimed TOFU, or some s***, and I was like, COOL MAN, you got principles, I respect that, but EXPLAIN TO ME how that's gonna help you when ULTRON is shooting VOLCANO LASERS at your chest??? So THEN the dude starts NAGGING me about the 'graceful COWS' who died to make my 'GAUDY' leather duster—and THAT'S where Nick Fury DRAWS THE LINE. All I'm saying is you BETTER BE a superhero if you diss the duster, cause you're about to go OUT THE FREAKIN' WINDOW, my man."
Brandon is a writer and humor editor at Reader's Digest magazine. He was born in Tucson, Arizona, and wants to write a paranormal Western that begins, "First the cows turned up dead." What should the rest be about? Tell him on twitter @beardspeck.