Distinguishing Powers: Knit cap ($40, American Eagle) perpetually retains head warmth; Can blind foes with a miasma of AXE cologne in a single spray; Designer shades ($280, Oakley) guard eyes from harmful UVA and B rays; Barrier of low self-esteem deflects all criticism, except from mother or bestest bro.
Reason Rejected: Too douchey
Nick Fury Says: "I TRIED to give this dude a chance to prove himself, but whenever I told him we were interested he'd just say, 'psh, whatever' like I was wasting HIS time. And when I told him to leave and that we'd be in touch, he just popped his collar and said he didn't WANT to be in my 'lame club for lametards' to begin with!! Yeah. If you say so, CAP'N. Have fun saving the world in HALO: REACH, on SINGLE PLAYER, AGAIN."
Brandon is a writer and humor editor at Reader's Digest magazine. He was born in Tucson, Arizona, and wants to write a paranormal Western that begins, "First the cows turned up dead." What should the rest be about? Tell him on twitter @beardspeck.