Thought you were finally done with Skyrim? Not happening, Dovahkiin, because Skyrim certainly ain’t done with you! Last week, game developer Bethesda revealed that it would—at long last—release DLC for Skyrim entitled “Dawnguard.” The company has remained mum on the subject, but the DLC is slated for the summer and will be Xbox 360 exclusive. New content is nice and all, but we Nords and Nordettes at The MindHut feel that if there’s one thing this game needed, it was to lighten up a bit, especially in the face of impending doom. That’s why we’ve taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of funny Skyrim DLC that we’d like to see.
1) The Giants’ Hawaiian Staycation
Shepherding mammoths across Skyrim and swatting away overzealous Dragonborn to the moon with their clubs is tiring work, so it’s only fair that the giants get to take a much needed vacation every now and then. Sadly, they’re not bright enough to pick up a phone and book a vacation. Why not have DLC that brings Hawaii to the giants? No more loincloths and clubs! Just Hawaiian shirts, straw hats and cool drinks served in over-sized novelty coconut cups. And all those eyesore giant camps become 24/7 luaus! You’ll know you’re coming near one when you hear ukulele music and see mammoths wearing leis.
2) Ride Horkers
Sorry, bucko, but Shadowmere isn’t going to exactly strike fear into the hearts of your enemies. Really want to leave a lasting impression? Ride a Horker into battle and see the difference an angry and rippling mass of blubber and tusks will make! The bad guys might as well drop their weapons now and save themselves the embarrassment of an egregious defeat. Wild horkers may not be so keen to let you ride them like a common horse, but that’s where the DLC would have you covered: Horker stables with a multitude of the cute critters to choose from at reasonable prices. And they’ll all have endearing names like Doc Chubbs, Duchess Flabby Whiskers, and Alvin.
3) Kung-Fu Master Class
Aside from punching (like it really gets you far in the game), it’s surprising that there’s no actual martial arts discipline in Skyrim or in all of Tamriel, for that matter. The series is way overdue for a Kung-Fu Master class! But let’s go the whole nine yards here, you should be able to purchase a kung-fu uniform and give your character a Bruce Lee-style haircut no matter the gender or species, not to mention perks that grant you new moves with long-winded (and nonsensical) names like “Flight of the Graceful Troll” and “Melodious Fang of the Frostbite Spider.” And while we’re keeping this crazy train rolling, why not add in those cheesy ‘70s kung-fu movie sound effects every time you strike your enemy?
4) Pies as Weapons
Say what you want, but pies to the face always have been—and will forever be—pure comedic gold. And, they would make excellent weapons for those all important finishing moves. Of course, like any other weapon in Skyrim they’d be upgradeable, but not at a forge for readily apparent reasons (seriously, have you ever tried upgrading a pie on a workbench?). Instead, you’d swing by a town or city’s local bakery and work tirelessly to turn that measly rhubarb pie into a lethal blueberry pie with 50% magic absorption and burn damage! Now, who wants whipped cream?
5) New Shouts with Crazy Effects
The sky’s pretty much the limit with what Bethesda can do with new shouts! Make your enemies dance. Summon chickens to fight for you. Have the force of gravity go kaput and watch the opposition float into the sky. Or, if you’d rather just humiliate your enemies beyond redemption, wreak havoc on their digestive systems with a well-timed shout to the gut! Lax Ah Tiv!
What crazy DLC would you like to see in Skyrim?