Search Menu



Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Love Advice

Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Love Advice

A lot of love advice questions this week–I thought I’d group them all together. If I didn’t answer your question, here’s some general all-purpose advice: there isn’t an argument you can’t win by forging the President’s signature. Onto the questions!

FROM: SkaterFish

As a young lady, how do I go about finding a date for prom?

Love and attraction is based almost entirely on pheromones—not attractiveness, personality, or suggestive winks. If you want someone to be your prom date, you need to find the scent combination that works for you. Experiment! How many days until prom? Devote each day to a new smell. Here’s a list of scents to get you started:

Day 1: Hot mayonnaise, leather

Day 2: Cardamom, dog

Day 3: Patchouli, cool mayonnaise

Day 4: Supermodel, the smell of a house with too many cats

Day 5: Unleaded gasoline, leaded gasoline

In no time you’ll find a scent combo that is alluring to potential mates, and also probably swarms of insects—but hey, where in the rulebook does it say you can’t take a swarm of insects to prom?

FROM: Sparkguy8

How should I break up with my girlfriend?

How should you? Try this: don’t. Don’t do it! I can see from your profile you’re 18 years old—it’s about time to settle down. You’re not going to meet new people; this is your last chance. Just like how they say you can beat every game of Solitaire, so too can you make every relationship last forever; you just have to play your cards right. I’m betting your biggest problem is all the inherent flaws in the relationship. This is easily fixed by completely changing your personality. Stop liking the things you like. Do you have an opinion on something she said? Well … don’t. Stop doing that. Also: never stop smiling.

Of course, this doesn’t mean she won’t try to break up with you eventually, but you can easily stop this by yelling loudly. “What’s that? I can’t hear you! Probably because I’m SHOUTING.” All that’s left is settling in and doing this for the rest of your life.

FROM: Peterguy2012

There is this girl who I like a lot who likes me a lot too but she's 24 and I'm 18 and she has liked me for awhile and I liked her too but because of the age difference I didn't think anything of it and was too dumb to realize she really liked me until recently. I'm typing this from a computer at my high school :/ Do you think a relationship between us could work?

At this point in your life that age difference can reflect a big gap of life experience, which can make it very difficult—not impossible, but less common. The fix: get rid of the age difference. Time is not a fixed property; it is malleable—faster here, slower there. By propelling this lady into space, she can age slower, allowing you to catch up. Have her travel in an orbit around a black hole, this way she will experience time about half as fast. Six years difference between you? Let her orbit three years (her time), and when she comes back, you’ll be the same age. Of course, the nearest black hole is believed to be Cygnus X-1, which is about 6100 light years away, so you do need to factor in the time for her to get there and back, which at best will take 12,200 years. But when she returns you’ll both be 12,227, which is far compatible for dating than if you were 12,221. Just try not to die before this age; if you do then this whole scenario gets a lot more complicated.

FROM: CrystalSoda

Okay, so I painted a (really good!) picture of my crush. Painting a person without their knowledge of it, is, as we know, one of the all-time-creepiest things one can do. I might never see him again, so I want to give it to him before the end of this year. We're close, but not too close, and he has female friends that have done artwork of him before. How can I present him with this painting in the least creepy way possible?

First: who is this rogue with not just one, but multiple ladies making paintings of him? I don’t know whether to envy him or fear him. The power he yields … it was not meant for man to possess.

Some might say the best approach is to confidently and matter-of-factly give the painting to him, since you control how awkward it is and it doesn’t have to be weird at all. These people, of course, are stupid. Subtlety is the best approach. Try hiding in his house, unconcealed, for a couple weeks. Drop hints that you are there: whisper his name, turn on faucets, cut the eyes out of people in his family portraits.

Finally, late one night, turn off all the lights and write his name with red paint on all the mirrors to give him the hint that somebody (you) has been painting with him in mind. He’ll try to call the police, probably to tell them the good news, but don’t let him brag—cut the phone lines. Hide in the shadows, and start laughing—‘cuz this is funny! “I’ve been watching you,” you’ll say, “studying you.” Then make some sweet painting puns. “You’ve saved me from my blue phase, now let me make you a still life.” Then give him the painting. He’ll be so excited he’ll start screaming and backing into a corner, probably crying from joy and stuff. This means you did it right (and not creepy at all!).

Thanks for all the questions! If you need some advice, leave your questions in the comments and I’ll answer as many as I can next week. See you all next week!

Write your own comment!

About the Author

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email