Not everyone can be Batman. Not everyone can be Spider-Man. In the long history of the comic book, thousands of heroes have been created. How many of them become household names? Maybe ten? That leaves 99.9% of superheroes to toil in anonymity. Some gimmick heroes turn out to be great characters despite their origins, such as sometimes-Avenger Squirrel Girl. Mostly, though, they turn out like these nine losers.
1. Butterball – Butterball is a more realistic interpretation of what may happen when a teenager mysteriously gets super powers. Our usual teenage superheroes, though outcasts, are good-looking. Butterball is an overweight fry cook that gains the power of invulnerability. The side effect is that his body can never change. He will never lose an ounce of fat or gain an ounce of muscle. His super power is being the Hulk’s personal stress ball.
2. Razorback – Spider-Man has a long history of pretty cool animal-based characters, ranging from the Rhino to the Vulture to Doctor Octopus. Understandably, they would eventually run low on ideas. Razorback is evidence of that. His super power is being able to drive anything. His costume is the head of a decapitated pig. He was just begging for a Lord of the Flies quip from Peter Parker.
3. Thunderstrike – Thor hasn’t always been as cool as he is today. Back in the early 1990s, his (as Tony Stark so lovingly put it) “Shakespeare in the Park” routine was feeling a little staid. So, Marvel brought in Thunderstrike, the grunge Thor. He basically has the same powers as Thor, but with an awesome beard, a ponytail, and a leather jacket with the sleeves cut off.
4. Madam Fatal – Simply put: cross-dressing crime fighter. A man dresses up like an old lady and beats up bad guys. We’re not sure if it’s the lamest or greatest super hero idea ever.
5. Dogwelder – Gotham City is a tough place, and sometimes Batman needs help. Enter the Dogwelder. As part of the misfit superteam Section 8 (other members can produce superhuman amounts of phlegm or beat enemies with the overwhelming power of being a French stereotype), the Dogwelder spot-welds dead dogs to his enemies’ faces. That’s it.
6. Powdered Toast Man – Powdered Toast Man was the Saturday morning hero of many a child growing up in the 1990s. As the pitchman of Powdered Toast cereal (the cereal that tastes just like sawdust), he periodically dropped in on the Ren and Stimpy show to show off his ridiculous powers, such as scraping toast crumbs from his head, flatulence-aided flying, and improving breakfast cereal's taste with... ehem... natural gas.
7. D-Man: He’s perhaps the most depressing superhero of all time. He’s a former pro wrestler that wears a costume that’s a knock off of both Daredevil and Wolverine. After a mission with Captain America goes awry, D-Man becomes mentally unstable. He goes to live with Eskimos, and then in the sewers, where he leads an underground band of homeless named the Zero People. Oh, and he hates showering.
8. The Forgotten One – The Forgotten One is part of Marvel’s race of supergods known as the Eternals. Basically, he got his jollies off of showing off for ancient people, and hoping they made up stories about him. Gilgamesh became his big hit. Then, they kinda forgot about him.
9. Beak – Angel is someone who got it all. He’s good looking, he’s filthy rich, and he can fly using his perfect wings. Beak is the opposite. Beak’s mutation turned him into a disgusting naked chicken who can barely fly.
Who do you think is the most laughable superhero?