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How to Become a Super Evil Villain

How to Become a Super Evil Villain

How does one become a super evil villain? Good question. And, it's a good thing we at The MindHut happen to have this manual on how to become a super evil villain just lying around!

Develop a taste for monologues.

One thing that unites all the super villains we've ever encountered is a talent for exposition and going on long tirades about their motives, emotions, and plans. Whether it is Loki, Lex Luthor, The Joker, Two-Face, the Green Goblin, Agent Smith, Saruman, or Regina from Mean Girls who you want to adopt as your super-evil role model, you will need to find a penchant for enjoying the sound of your own voice—and fast. If you want to be an A-list super villain and actually come close to destroying the world, we recommend taking a few classes on rhetoric and public speaking. Practice in front of a mirror, or to whatever friends you are considering bringing onboard as minions or henchmen. If you’re happy as an inferior villain, just stick to the old standbys: boot/spider metaphors, boot/worm metaphors, boot/kitten metaphors, etc.

Become threatening. Somehow.

When you first start down the path to evil incarnate, there's a lot of motivation and heart. But you aren't going to scare anyone talking about your intentions. Apply to a specialized school that can help you hone your craft. One example is the Necromancy/Winemaking Interdisciplinary Masters Program at Oxford (historically, all of the greatest villains have been educated in Europe). There, you can learn how to raise a skeletal horde and produce a decent, extremely low-priced vintage—bringing the competition to its knees.

Find a headquarters

Every super villain needs either a completely secret lair, or they must holding court somewhere blatantly obvious. There's no grey area here. You can build a pagan temple behind a secret passageway in the back of a McDonald’s, or you can take over the White House—but don’t sit in a publicly listed but nondescript Tudor home in the suburbs.

Develop a sense of fashion—or lose one, fast.

Again, the key theme here is to not be ordinary. Every super villain is driven by a deep psychological need for ego affirmation, and part of that comes from having telltale fashion trademarks or a calling card. Superheroes have a traditional wardrobe to draw from—capes, helmets, spandex, utility belts, etc. Super villains can have much more fun. You can either get classy. Death wears a black robe, carries a huge scythe, and rides a skeletal superhorse, while the Bond villains traditionally have impeccably tailored suits. You can dumb it down, too. The Joker always looks shabby, and Pirates (land or space) have notoriously bad hygiene.

Find an exit strategy

The one downside to being a super villain is that in the long run, you'll all die. The good guys do always win (Game of Thrones is just the exception that proves the rule). Not only do we have to worry about the heroes, but there is always a new super villain on the block wanting to step on your turf. No matter how much we get away with, that fact of villainy remains. Our triumphs are always bittersweet. That’s why the most important thing to remember if you want to get in the super evil game is to have your out. A safe retirement, where you can enjoy your ill-gotten gains without worrying about Batman interrupting the annual barbecue. Yes, eventually you must start helping the United States Government. Secure those contacts early, so that when the time comes you can make the switch to “Consultant” for the CIA in exchange for a pardon.

What kind of supervillain would you be?

Tags: funniest, comics-and-books, supervillains

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About the Author
Tim Wainwright

Tim Wainwright writes about monsters, sexual ethics, and public sector employee pension reform--and sometimes other things. You can follow him on twitter @Tim_Wainwright , because he has a strange desire to have people read the things he writes. He is growing to accept the fact that people will always call him "bud", and that he will never pull off the cowboy hat look.

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