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Five Superheroes Who Would Be Better If They Weren't Trying to Beat People Up

Five Superheroes Who Would Be Better If They Weren't Trying to Beat People Up

By Greg Stone

5) Magneto. Magneto has the power to manipulate metal. He once made his own asteroid into a space house where he lived. The major principle he believes in is Mutant Rights. So how does he help so-called mutant rights? He crushes people with steel girders. Here’s what I suggest, Maggie:  Get a loan from Prof. X and start a construction company. You could build a skyscraper in half an hour. You could spend the money you got with that on schools for mutants and mutant scholarships, and you could fund a politician who would push mutant rights. It just seems like a better bet than picking a fight with a bald guy in a wheelchair all day.

4) Thor. Thor is the god of thunder. Thor is a god, so what does he do all day? He fights robots and purple time travelers. What could he be doing better? Well, he could start a church and end all of these religious wars. How is someone going to remain a Christian or Buddhist when God is clearly on the Lower East Side of Manhattan shooting lightning from a hammer? Sure Jesus turned water into wine, but we haven’t seen him in two thousand years. Thor is here now, and he is in Times Square hanging out with Hercules; you tell me who you are going to follow.

3) Hawkeye. Hawkeye has an amazing ability to hit almost any target. He uses a bow and arrow. First, a bow and arrow versus Galactus? You are in over your head, so get out now while you can still make some scratch. Here’s my suggestion: Go to one spring training for the Chicago Cubs. They haven’t won a series in about a hundred years. I once saw Hawkeye kill a man by flicking a fingernail at someone who tied him up, and you’re telling me he can’t pitch a few no-hitters and become the greatest baseball player of all time? I think he can. Then, take the money and build a school, or put money into saving some wildlife and you will be doing more than you ever did by shooting arrows at Ultron.

2) Shang Chi, Master of Kung fu. All you know is karate? Go back to sweeping floors before Stiltman (master of Stilts!) comes and kicks your butt. (Seriously, it’s dangerous out there, so maybe think about buying a gun.)

1) Crypto. Crypto is Superman’s dog. Stop fighting crime becuase YOU’RE A DOG. Why do you care about crime? Just go win some of those Westminster challenges, get a few grand in puppy chow sponsorships, and call it a day. We promise to call you when GalctaCat tries to take over the universe. Until then, go and get superman his slippers.

Which superheroes do you think would be more effective if they'd quit beating on people?

Tags: lists, comics, books-and-comics

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