Skip over navigation

Mindhut

SciFight Club: Voldemort vs. Palpatine

SciFight Club: Voldemort vs. Palpatine

By Brandon Specktor

As far as evil overlords go, He Who Must Not Be Named and the He Who Has No First Name pretty much reside on a planet of their own. Both Lord Voldemort and Emperor Palpatine are pale and uniquely unkissable (prove us wrong with some comment section fanfic if you dare), both meet their downfall by trying in vain to corrupt a magical young dork, and both wear girly black gowns but escape ridicule from their peers because they will blow your heart up with lightning. Their evil is unmatched…but who would win in a tickle fight?

Sadly, we do not have an answer. But using "science," we tested Tom Riddle and Purple Papa Palpatine in a Deadliest Warrior-style power ranking so that we could determine who, after all the muggles hit the floor, is the baddest grandmaster in the galaxy. This is: SciFight Club.

Armaments
Palpatine wields: A vast military of storm and clone troopers; an endless supply of loyal battle droids; fleets of advanced air and space vessels and all-terrain robot camels; the Death Star; no moon.

Voldemort wields: A wand. Eventually he wields the much fancier Elder Wand, but it doesn't really like him.

Advantage: Palpatine—by lightyears. Even if Morty managed to make it aboard the Death Star without asphyxiating or being laser-zapped, Avada Kedavra would not fare well against the mechanical destroyer droid horde. We'll reevaluate as soon as Voldemort learns the dreaded Spyware curse.

Fighting Style
Palpatine: shoots lightning and employs mental trickery to psychically break his foes

Voldemort: shoots lightning and employs mental trickery to psychically break his foes

Advantage: Tie. A one on one fight between 'Mort and 'Tine would probably occur 90% in their own heads, each wordlessly calling the other "weak" and "arrogant" and "fugly" until one breaks and makes the first move. They'd then proceed to exchange blue zaps of hot electricity for a while until they both get bored and decide to watch Fellowship of the Ring together. Voldemort performs the popcorn spell and Palpatine serves the finest Bantha salt from his intergalactic spice cabinet. They both laugh at Gandalf's "lack of vision" and "foolish beard." They trade emails and become lifelong twitter pals. This is the happiest timeline.

Entourage
Palpatine travels with: His stick-wielding imperial guardsmen, and Darth Vader, the most feared helmet in the galaxy. But while the Emperor's right-hand man is a ruthless, incomparable warrior,  he does suffer a few loyalty issues.

Voldemort travels with: a ferocious pet snake and a crew of Death Eaters and Dementors, straight out the mean halls of Azkaban. His most trusted and mentally unstable companions like Bellatrix Lestrange and Fenrir Greyback will kill or die for him faster than a Hippogriff fart, and have no problem attacking/eating/making fun of schoolchildren in the process. The Dark Lord has also been spotted with trolls, Snatchers, and other mythical creeps throughout the various battles of his career.

Advantage: Voldemort. Vader is a formidable opponent to even the most seasoned Jedi warriors, but there's safety in numbers. If just four or five Death Eaters get their hands on lightsabers, there's not much Darth could do to defend himself from a levitating barrage of laser blades.

Ace In The Hole
Palpatine has: A double life. By day Palpatine is a respected councilman in the Galactic Senate—eventually voted high chancellor by a constituency of interspace weirdos—while on nights and weekends he is Darth Sidious, the creepiest hologram Sith since Darth Shakur. With one hand in Congress and another, more lightning-y hand in Count Dooku and Anakin Skywalker's gullible spacebrains, Palpatine has no prob positioning himself as the most powerful dude in the galaxy.

Voldemort has: horcruxes. Thanks to seven enchanted artifacts that bear a small impression of his lifeforce, the Dark Lord is basically invulnerable and timeless. That's demigod status, right there.

Advantage: Voldemort. Hiding six horcruxes around the world is a sly move, but the seventh horcrux—Harry Potter himself—is the brilliant kicker. Unless Voldemort's great glasses-wearing, friendship-blathering nemesis sacrifices his own life, the Dark Lord cannot truly be defeated. We see what you did there, Voldy. You saucy snitch, you.

***THE FINAL BATTLE***

Voldemort stands ominously on a cliffside overlooking a dark and tremulous sea. He has hidden his horcruxes around the wizarding world, encased his trusty side(winder)kick Nagini in magical armor, and made certain Harry Potter is occupied on the other side of England, rescuing an important gnome from a well or something. Bellatrix Lestrange stands by the Dark Lord's side, cackling in her eyeliner. An army of werewolves, giants, Dementors and various angry warlocks is amassed behind them, hungry for blood. The Elder Wand pulses with power between Voldemort's fingers, and the words of the killing curse are ready on his lips.

Meanwhile, Palpatine orders Vader to fire the Death Star. The whole Earth and all the horcruxes are immediately obliterated forever.

Palpatine wins.

There you have it! Sometimes you just can't overcome superior firepower. Join us next time on SciFight Club for another totally fair, totally exciting bout: Samwise Gamgee versus The Terminator! As always, Stay on target, and [some quote from Harry Potter].

Do you agree with these results, Masterminds? What other crossover battles are you aching to see?

Tags: movies, villains, science fiction, battles, books-and-comics

Write your own comment!


Write your own comment!


About the Author
Brandon Specktor

Brandon is a writer and humor editor at Reader's Digest magazine. He was born in Tucson, Arizona, and wants to write a paranormal Western that begins, "First the cows turned up dead." What should the rest be about? Tell him on twitter @beardspeck.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

From Our Partners