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5 Inappropriate Movies We Want Turned Into Children's Books

5 Inappropriate Movies We Want Turned Into Children's Books

By Steven Romano

Batman may be associated with all things macabre and downright deranged, but DC Entertainment’s marketing team has absolutely no problem peddling products featuring the Dark Knight and his foes to children. While it helps to carefully consider which one of Batman's psychologically deranged villains will grace a plethora of merchandise, it looks like someone deemed Bane (the same one that muscles-up on the super-steroid Venom and snapped Bats’ spine in twain) kid-friendly enough to appear in the I Can Read series of books’ adaptation of The Dark Knight Rises. Having said that, we at The MindHut think there’s even more inappropriate movies that deserve to be turned into children’s literature!

1) Knuffle Chucky: A Cautionary Tale

Ah, Knuffle Bunny, a book that best captures the feeling we all had as toddlers when we suddenly realized our beloved stuffed animal or doll went inexplicably missing... unless of course it happens to be a Good Guy doll named Chucky. Knuffle Chucky tells the story of one young Andy Barclay, the reluctant owner of the aforementioned toy of unbridled evil. Tired of being blamed for Chucky’s murderous acts and diagnosed a demented pathological liar, Andy intentionally leaves Chucky behind in a far off laundromat to be rid of him, only to realize that maybe leaving a malicious plaything to his own devices wasn’t such a prudent idea, after all.

2) The Very Hungry Sarlacc Pit Monster

Revered children’s book author and illustrator Eric Carle is well-known for his heartwarming stories about the cute and cuddly critters that inhabit our world. But, in an effort to avoid his ideas becoming stale, maybe it’s time he look to the bizarre fauna from a galaxy far, far away for inspiration—and there’s no better creature in need of his trademark whimsy and collage technique than the Sarlacc Pit Monster! Starting as a spore that bores into its victim’s skin and drinks their blood, children will be delighted as they watch the very hungry sarlacc devour his way through hole-punched banthas, rontos and dewbacks from page to page before finally taking root as the giant voracious monstrosity from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi!

3) The Adventures of the Bailey School Kids: T-800s Don’t Serve Sloppy Joes

For years the paranoid and judgmental kids from the Bailey School have labeled nearly every member of their school’s faculty as some kind of monster, ghost or mythological being. But everything changes when the kids meet the new hulking, no-nonsense lunch man with a lugubrious Austrian accent; not to mention his strange obsession with their teacher Mrs. Jeepers and his muttering about her one day leading “The Resistance.” When the lunch man starts hurling entire lunch room tables and lockers at Mrs. Jeepers, the kids begin to suspect that he just might be an Infiltrator sent to ensure the future of Skynet domination. Something fishy is going on and it ain’t the tuna casserole!
4) Smeagol and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Move over, Alexander, because there’s someone even more miserable and pitiable that apparently got up on the wrong side of the bed: Middle Earth’s own Smeagol (a.k.a Gollum)! What might as well be the worst birthday ever, Smeagol’s cousin Deagol finds a really neat gold ring in a lake—but he won’t even give it to Smeagol as a birthday present! But when Smeagol strangles his cousin to take it from him, the entire village banishes him forever and is forced to live in the Misty Mountains all alone. Talk about unfair! And if that wasn’t enough, a filthy hobbit steals his ring and it ends up in the hands of two more even filthier hobbits (no wonder Smeagol wants to move to Australia)! Still, as bleak as Smeagol's outlook may be, the lesson children will learn is that everyone has a bad day, even if it’s lasted for nearly 590 years of what you’d hardly call a life.

5) If You Give a Rorschach Beans

If a Rorschach breaks into your apartment it’s going to ask for some beans. After it eats the beans it’s going to tell you about a conspiracy involving someone murdering masked vigilantes. After it tells you about a conspiracy involving someone murdering masked vigilantes it’s going to hassle some low lives for info by breaking their fingers. And after it’s done hassling low lives for info by breaking their fingers it's going to unravel a complex string of events that puts the fate of the world at stake!

What other inappropriate movies should be made into children's books?

Tags: star wars, children's books, the dark knight rises, books-and-comics

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About the Author
Steven Romano

Like Captain America, Steven Romano is just a boy from Brooklyn. When he isn't contributing to The MindHut and other geeky websites, Steven's hard at work writing his first novel and comic book scripts. Follow him on Twitter @Steven_Romano, and swing by his blog: stevenromano.tumblr.com

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