Okay, picture the 1996 movie Space Jam. You know the one: Michael Jordan, as himself, ends up playing basketball in outer space with Bugs Bunny. That Space Jam. Now imagine a sequel, starring LeBron James. Wouldn't that be insane? Who could possibly take the idea seriously?
LeBron James. That's who.
That got us thinking about what other memorable movies of yesterday would make straight-to-DVD sequels. These ideas for sequels frighten us so much that we shudder to even list them here. But we're going to anyway:
John Carter vs. The Galaxy: Marooned on Barsoom, former Confederate soldier John Carter becomes Prince of the Marsianites, who look like giant purple grubs with battle axes. They have been fighting a 3,000-year war with the Saturnese, mostly involving spaceships, plasma canons, and thrown rocks. But the Saturnese are guarded by the Plutonian Sorceress, who is married to Emperor Neptunios, Guardian of the Sphere of Nebulae... look, it's really complicated. Just read the book.
Nine Lives of Catwoman: Halle Berry returns as the feline-themed heroine. She ends up in a massive cat-fight with rival catwomen Anne Hathaway and Michelle Pfeiffer. The film is eventually owned by nearly every adolescent boy in America.
Death Race Apocalypse: Jason Statham is framed for murdering his second wife (sigh), and he has to drive an even bigger car (yawn) in the gladiatorial "death race" (Zzz) where he fires rockets at... you know... whatever.
Star Wars Episode 0.5: The Dark Side Cometh: In order to explain everything that happens at the beginning of The Phantom Menace, George Lucas creates yet a prequel to the prequels. It turns out that Qui-Gon Jinn and Darth Maul are actually twin brothers, every essential character was actually raised on Tatooine, and R2D2 invents Midi-Chlorians in a petri dish during chemistry class. Lucas introduces a wacky CGI Ewok named Puuk, who is eventually removed from all footage.
The Happening II (It's All Happenin'): In the first M. Night Shlamalan disaster, people were committing suicide in droves, inspired by plants. In the sequel, people start coming back from the dead, as semi-sentient zombies, because of mushrooms. Spore alert!
Hulk Smash!: Yet another reboot of the Hulk franchise, Hulk Smash! is reluctantly directed by Brazilian director Fernando Meirelles, who uses frenetic jump-cuts and breathtaking handheld cinematography to make the Incredible Hulk interesting. Still, the Hulk is just a big green monster. The film becomes final proof that, unless he's with the Avengers, the Hulk is simply not incredible in movies.
What other movies should never get sequels?