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Pirate Jokes That Don't Stink

Pirate Jokes That Don't Stink

By Scott Greenstone

Yes, Talk Like a Pirate Day was last month. Yes, Pirates of the Caribbean 5 isn't slated to come out until 2015. And pirate jokes? Pirate jokes have always been pretty lame if you're talking about ones like, "What did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?" "A buccaneer!"

You know, the ones you find on popsicle sticks.

But here's the deal; pirate jokes are like novels about vampires. There's actually just a few out there that don't stink.

Here's a few of our favorites:

1. The Chortle-Worthy:

Captain Blood was the most feared in battle of all pirates. One day, his ship hunted down a Spanish galleon loaded with gold and bristling with soldiers.

"First Mate," he said, "fetch me my Lucky Red Shirt."

The First Mate (who happened to be working his first shift) was bewildered, but he obeyed, brought Captain Blood his red shirt, and they went to battle. They utterly crushed the resistance and made off with the gold. Of course, now slowed by the gold, they were an easy target for a vengeful pair of privateers who caught up to them the next day.

"First Mate," cried Captain Blood, "bring me my Lucky Red Shirt!"

The pirates defeated both threats, even though the day was direly won and many were wounded. That night, the First Mate and Captain Blood celebrated.

"We defeated two ships today, Captain. What's the secret?"

"Why, my Lucky Red Shirt, First Mate! Really! You see, when the crew sees that their captain is wounded, they are demoralized."

The captain pulled his red shirt up, revealing bleeding wounds. "But when they think their captain is completely unharmed, they fight like the Devil's Own."

The next day, Captain Blood awoke surrounded by the entire Spanish Armada.

"Your Lucky Red Shirt, sir?" the First Mate asked.

"No, First Mate. This is a day for my Lucky Brown Pants."

2. The "Ooooh"-Worthy:

Two mates were at the tavern when a pirate with a whalebone leg, a hook and an eyepatch came in. After a minute of staring at the mangled seaman, one of the men spoke up.

"How'd you lose that leg, mate?"

The pirate proceeded to tell them of a gruesome battle with a deathless crew of cursed skeleton men. The two men were flabbergasted.

"How did you lose your hand, mate?" one of them asked next.

The pirate proceeded to tell the two of a fight with the zombies where his hand was eaten off. The two men were surprised.

"Then, how did you lose your eye? Was that in the zombie fight or the skeleton fight?"

"Oh, that? A seagull pooped in my eye one day."

The two men were astonished.

"Was it a demon seagull with fire droppings?"

"Nope. Normal seagull. But that was the first day I had me hook."

3. The Shiverer-Of-Timbers:

The tavern was full of laughing, cavorting pirates. Suddenly, the doors burst open and everyone turned to see a pirate...with a steering wheel sticking out of his rear end.

He approached the bar, greeted by silence. Finally, one pirate spoke up.

"Does that thing chafe?"

The steering wheel pirate sucked down his beer and slammed it down on the counter. "Aaarrrrrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

Do you know any pirate jokes?

Tags: pirates, jokes, random stuff

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About the Author
Scott Greenstone

I write freely.

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