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Behold the Taco Cannon: Weapon of Mass Deliciousness

Behold the Taco Cannon: Weapon of Mass Deliciousness

By Vadim Newquist

Stunning technological advancements are making a huge impact on the war on hunger, experts say, as evidenced by the unveiling of the highly sophisticated Taco Cannon recently at the Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, Texas. Yes, this genuinely functional, twelve barreled, taco-shooting super weapon, which can be seen here, is capable of launching twenty-four tacos at a time, which is enough artillery to obliterate twenty-four hardcore cases of the munchies with a single shot.

The canon comes to us through the gastro-science masters at Torchy's Tacos, an Austin based Tex-Mex culinary lab that is also responsible for other significant hunger fighting weaponry, including the Baja Fish Stuffed Burrito and Nachos Muy Grande. The taco canon is their first attempt, however, at a weaponized snack dispenser, and judging from its warm reception at the Fun Fun Fun Festival, we may just be seeing more at concerts, sporting events, and other major spots where enemy empty stomachs growl for tasty nourishment.

The canon is based on the same technology that propels t-shirts, but scientists say it's very hard to wear these tacos. They perhaps can be worn as hats, but they do not cover much cranial surface area, and the danger of contaminating one's hair with pico-de-gallo is significant.

Before the unveiling, this three-manned, seven hundred and fifty pound Gatling gun on wheels underwent extensive testing to make sure its ammunition would both fire and not disintegrate. "We spent a good solid week trying to figure out what to use, and what we needed to wrap things with,” says Mandrella, top taco ballistics expert. “We would just get everything from frozen burritos from the grocery store to fresh street tacos to Taco Bell and Taco Cabana. We kind of got through it at the Water Olympics, and then Torchy’s gave us some good insight—how you can shoot a taco 200 feet and it will still hold up to where you can eat it.”

“The idea is to keep the taco tight, but also treat it like a lady,” says Mandrella's assistant, Platt. “The cannon is a fierce piece of machinery, so swaddling the taco with a bit of extra love helps secure its successful launch.” Well, the delicious results of their labor are on full display in the video below. It bodes well for the future of America's involvement in the hunger wars. Rumor has it that Taco Bell is in the developmental stages of creating a jet powered Chalupa launcher, but the representative MindHut spoke with at the drive thru had no comment.

Tags: food, texas, tacos, life, weapons, videos, austin

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About the Author
Vadim Newquist

Vadim Newquist is a writer, director, actor, animator, fire fighter, stunt driver, martial arts instructor, snake wrangler and time traveling bounty hunter who scales tall buildings with his bare hands and wrestles sharks in his spare time. He can do ten consecutive backflips in one jump, make cars explode with his mind, and can give fifty people a high-five at once without even lifting his hands. He holds multiple PhDs in nuclear physics, osteopathic medicine, behavioral psychology, breakdancing, and chilling out. He currently resides in Gotham City inside his stately mansion with his butler Alfred and his two cats.

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