Skip over navigation

Mindhut

Top 5 Worst Decisions in Horror Movies

Top 5 Worst Decisions in Horror Movies

By Tim Wainwright

Horror movies are great! They give us the scares we crave and keep us thankful that we're alive (and not being chased by zombies/vampires/killer clowns). But there's one universal thing about every horror movie, no matter how good or bad, that is the raspberry seed in our collective wisdom tooth: BAD DECISIONS. Horror movies are riddled with them! While it's true that, without them, many of the scares wouldn't happen, we've compile the top 5 dumbest decisions in modern horror fare.

5. "We can't go to the police!"

Listen. In spite of being the people who give you speeding tickets and shutting down your parties, the police are generally your friends—especially when a masked killer is chasing you so he can wear your skin like a suit. But in easily more than half of horror movies, people don't make it their number one freaking priority to get the boys in blue on the case as quickly as possible. In fact, they barely even call them, and if they do, its always OBSCENELY late in the movie. If the MindHut staff had been the stars of The Ring, we'd have had a SWAT team camping out around that TV, 24/7.

4. "Let's go back!"

In way, way too many horror movies, you will see the following: good guys, after being tortured a little bit and seeing their friends die, finally manage to leave. They make it to safety and then... they decide to go back. Jeepers Creepers? Yeah, let's go back to that Church. What could possibly go wrong! House of Wax? Sure, rescuing Paris Hilton is totally worth the risk of being turned into a wax statue!

Listen, MindHut supports altruism and bravery. But when you escape, you have an opportunity to go get the cops! The National Guard! S.H.I.E.L.D! But no, these characters decide to go back to something where the odds favor certain death for everybody involved.

3. Pre-marital sex

Horror movies seem to take place in a bizarre land where no one has learned anything from the failures of the Sexual Revolution. So, if you're in a horror movie, you're going to be breeding like a rabbit. Now everyone knows that sleeping around leads to STD's, unplanned pregnancies probably resulting in single motherhood, depression, breakup, and the inability to have a meaningful relationship. What isn't told as often is that it drastically raises your odds of dying. You'll notice in horror movies that virgins survive. We best learn from them.

2. Curiosity, or "Doing THIS is definitely a good idea!"

Do you know someone who says things like this:

"Hey girl! Just going to go have sex in a cemetery!"

"Ohhhhhhh! A tape-recording of the Necronomicon, the ancient Egyptian book of the dead!"

""Yo! Off to the woods in search of that old summer camp where I heard a bunch of people got murdered, lol!"

Recommend that they move to L.A. and start auditioning for horror flicks, then make sure you never ever hang out with them again.

1. "Let's split up!"

Yeah, we knew you knew this was coming. But it literally cannot be said enough times—it is never, ever, ever a good idea to be alone in a threatening situation. Take The Searchers, for example: the couple realize some not-very-promising stuff is about to go down (hicks knocking on the door of your country home in the middle of nowhere asking random questions while wearing demented doll masks), so the man grabs a gun and they hunker down. Then? "Wait here honey. I'm going outside."

What. What. Wait here? Leave your woman defenseless, and leave your own back unwatched?! Why are we not surprised that by the end of the movie you're being burned alive!

Despite everything you've ever learned from Scooby-Doo, remember that THERE IS NEVER A GOOD REASON TO SPLIT UP, EVER!

Did we miss any?

Tags: movies, zombies, horror, vampires, paris hilton, cabin in the woods, house of wax

Write your own comment!


About the Author
Tim Wainwright

Tim Wainwright writes about monsters, sexual ethics, and public sector employee pension reform--and sometimes other things. You can follow him on twitter @Tim_Wainwright , because he has a strange desire to have people read the things he writes. He is growing to accept the fact that people will always call him "bud", and that he will never pull off the cowboy hat look.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.