5 Reasons Why Turkeys Are the Greatest Threat to American Security
The day of the great turkey consumption festival approaches in the United States, but we come to you today with dire warnings. Turkeys have long plotted the downfall of our species. We have met the enemy, and it is delicious!
They Know Our Secrets
Turkeys (or least turkey-like creatures) have been around for over 20 million years, but for the last couple thousand years humans have been domesticating them. That's good for us, because it means fatter, stupider, more delicious turkeys, but we have to assume that they've been using this time to observe and record our human ways to report back to their wild brethren. You're probably safe in the city, but if any of you are reading this from a farmhouse or a rural town watch your Windows for beady little eyes peering in at night and observing your every move.
We’ve Declared War on Them
In the 1930s there were only 30,000 wild turkeys in North America, now thanks to government regulations, there are over 7 million. That sounds like a success story—it sounds like we've been helping our turkey buddies out for the last 80 years, but that's just wild turkeys. As for domestic turkeys, we eat about 270 million a year. We're not saying we should stop (after all, they're made out of yummy turkey meat), we’re just saying we need a better cover story for the turkeys. Like maybe we tell them that the 270 million turkeys that go missing every year were abducted by aliens. (That way, when the aliens really do arrive, the turkeys will already be on our side and ready to fight!)
They Resent Bald Eagles (and Therefore Hate Freedom)
Ben Franklin famously thought that the bald eagle was a terrible symbol for the United States. He referred to it in a letter has, “a bird of bad moral character.” His suggestion for a far nobler bird was the turkey, though this idea didn't go anywhere. We have to assume that the turkeys know this, and resent the fact (think of all the bald eagle merchandising that turkeys are missing out on). This may not sound like a big deal, but in that same letter Ben Franklin also said, "[the turkey], though a little vain and silly, [is] a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on.” That sounds a threat to us.
They Will See You, and They Can Catch You
Turkeys have a 270° stationary field of vision. Humans have 180°. An average turkey’s flight speed tops out at about 55 mph (oh yes, the wild ones can fly). The fastest recorded human ran less than 45 mph. You know why there were no turkeys in Birdemic? Because if there had been, the humans would've lost.
Alright, they're not actually dinosaurs, but they are direct descendents of dinosaurs (All right, they're not actually direct descendents of dinosaurs either, but you get the picture). Does this mean that your average, forest dwelling, wild turkey could somehow suddenly turn into a Velociraptor? Yes. Yes it does. All turkeys are as dangerous as Velociraptors. There, we said it; someone had to.
What other turkey intel have you gathered out in the field?