10 Ways the Dinosaurs Definitely DID NOT Go Extinct
65 million years ago, the great reign of the dinosaurs came to a sudden end. The evidence suggests that they were killed by a renegade space rock, but where's the fun in leaving it at that? We came up with some juicy conspiracy theories about the true cause of the dinosaurs' extinction. Enjoy!
1. Death by Dino Dance Party
Everyone knows raptors were spry when hunting, but few realize that this agility carried over to the dance floor. Raptors organized the most legendary raves of the Mesozoic, in which every species of dinosaur set aside their differences in the name of gettin' down. Sadly, the infamous DJ Clever Girl threw a party so fantastic that the dinosaurs danced themselves to death. Party on in their memory.
2. Dinosaur Zombie Apocalypse
You think the human undead are scary? Try being chased down by a zombie T-Rex! 65 million years ago, a mysterious pathogen swept through Pangaea, causing dead dinosaurs to rise again and eat the living. Now, there's an idea for a new show, AMC. Consider it a freebie.
3. Early Primates "Took Care" Of Them
Many scientists believe that around 25,000 years ago, our ancestors killed off the Neanderthals (and perhaps other hominid species as well). What they don't know is that our ancestors in the Cretaceous, simple primates though they were, also offed the dinosaurs. There are probably thousands of dinosaurs wearing cement shoes at the bottom of the ocean to this day.
The trend of "helicopter parenting" has been in the news recently, with people questioning if modern parents are too invasive. Dinosaur parents actually went through the same craze! The only difference is that instead of saying "get off my back, Ma," adolescent dinosaurs died of collective embarrassment.
5. A Game of Calvinball Got Out of Hand
The dinosaurs told their avian and oceanic friends that they were heading to the center of Pangaea for an epic game of Calvinball. They were never heard from again, though the score of the game has since been revealed to be Q to 12.
6. The Jurassic Park Cult
In the late Cretaceous, a number of dinosaurs started professing belief that an eccentric billionaire would reanimate them in paradise 65 million years in the future. They let themselves die in the hopes of a second life in modern times, where they could gender-bend and hang out with the Messianic figure known as Jeff Goldblum.
7. Sudden Evolution of Empathy
On a fine spring day, a T-Rex that had been pursuing a Triceratops was suddenly struck with deep pity for its prey's fear. Apologizing to the Triceratops and assuring her it would never happen again, the T-Rex went on a public awareness campaign about being sensitive to the feelings of others. The dinosaurs died of starvation shortly later, but they maintained impeccable manners about the situation until the end.
8. Alien Abduction
The dinosaurs weren't killed; they were abducted. Think about it: if you were a member of an interstellar species and you came across Earth 65 million years ago, wouldn't you recruit a bunch of tyrant lizards? Talk about getting the upper hand in intergalactic warfare! Nobody's going to screw with a dinosaur army, not even those crazy squid people from the Andromeda galaxy.
9. They Developed Their Own Space Program
Some experts believe that dinosaurs left Earth in their own spacecraft. This field is called "paleocosmology" and it theorizes that dinosaurs have colonized much of the universe, and hope to return to Earth soon. Don't worry: they won't be hostile to humans. They know we make great pets.
10. Dino-Ninjas: They're All Around Us
The craziest theory of all is that the dinosaurs didn't die out: they just became really awesome at camouflage. Everywhere you go, there are dinosaurs are tucked away around you. Raptors keep watch high in tree tops; anklyosaurs hide behind cars. Even brachiosaurs have learned to disguise themselves as circus tents and double-decker buses. Indeed, it's likely there is a dinosaur behind you as you read this. Don't panic. Just leave some alfalfa or bacon out for it. Even ninja dinosaurs need a little love over the holidays.
How do you think the dinosaurs died?