The 2012 elections are over and the 2013 presidential inauguration is just around the corner, so that must mean it's time to start planning for the 2016 elections! We think that we can all agree that the logical choice is to elect a Little Pony to lead our great nation. There are a lot of good candidates out there, but here's our case for Pinkie Pie as the next president of these United States.
We obviously need to address the fact that Pinkie Pie is a horse, and horse candidates tend to be fairly rare in American politics. Famously, the Roman emperor Caligula is said to have appointed his favorite racing horse, Incitatus, as consul. While the story is probably not true, it's a great way to break the ice on the issue of pony-candidates. Also, there's a long precedent of horse language in the political realm. Terms like horse trading, stalking horse, and of course dark horse candidate will be useful in getting the American public used to the idea of a pony-in-chief.
Pinkie Pie grew up on a rock farm with a traditional family upbringing. It's always easier to sell a candidate who has brought herself up from humble roots over someone who comes across as overly posh (I'm looking at you Rarity). Also, there's a lot of momentum behind the idea of "firsts" in presidential elections. We currently have our first African-American president, and there's serious talk of our first female president, or first Latino president coming out of the 2016 elections. While this would be an exciting step for our nation, it's nothing compared to having our first female president also be our first pony president, first magical president, and first cartoon president. Also, the principal political division in this country is based on the two-party system, but Pinkie Pie supports all parties of any kind!
3) Foreign policy
It’s hard to overstate how hard-core Pinkie Pie would be as a political opponent. Her chief strategy in facing frightening or dangerous situations is to laugh at the threat until it stops being scary. That may seem a little childish, but when you consider the fact that (because she's magical) it literally works, you can imagine how it actually might be pretty bad-ass in practice. For example, Nation X starts making threats because they've developed a nuclear weapon, President Pinkie Pie arranges a summit and, instead of finding middle ground, she just laughs at them until they back down. That's some serious negotiation power (and troublingly similar to the policy that real American presidents have used from time to time).
Let’s be clear here, there aren't many careers where being precognitive (even minorly so) isn't a pretty significant advantage. Pinkie Pie can't divine the future, but she can sense impending stuff about to go down. At a minimum, this means she could probably cut back significantly on Secret Service protection. Also, she's gonna know when to end interviews right before the journalist is about to ask the really tough questions.
Without a doubt, this is Pinkie Pie’s biggest asset. First, unpredictability is key to staying agile in protracted political conflicts. It'll keep her opponents guessing about her next move (unfortunately it will also keep her supporters guessing about her next move, but that just can't be avoided). Second, and perhaps more importantly for us, it's going to make paying attention to politics way more fun than it is right now. These days, headlines say things like, "President and Congress still Unable to Reach Agreement on Debt Crisis.” During the Pinkie Pie presidency they'll say, "President Found Hiding in Clothes Hamper Waiting to Scare White House Cleaning Staff," and "President Gives State of the Union Address Entirely in Song." We really think this is the kind of thing that could get everyday Americans excited about politics again.
Pinkie Pie for president 2016!
Is there a better pony for the job?