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The 6 Worst Cologne Ideas of All Time

The 6 Worst Cologne Ideas of All Time

By Vadim Newquist

Have you ever had the desire to smell like an order of overly processed pepperoni pizza and bread sticks? Well, for all zero of you who have, there's a brand new cologne, "Eau de Pizza Hut" and although it may not attract that special someone, it might bring more junk food aficionados, competitive eaters, and scavenging rodents into your life. We're not making this up; this is a very real thing, and according to its press release, it promises "top notes of freshly baked, hand tossed-dough." Could this be the least essential fragrance of the century? More than likely, but we at Mindhut have ideas of our own that just might take the perfume industry by storm, so we submit to you our list of the worst ideas for colognes and perfumes ever!

"Trainwreck: Eau de Lindsay Lohan"

Well, Lindsay Lohan recently played Liz Taylor (and by "played" we mean put on a black wig), so this fragrance would probably smell like Liz Taylor's "White Diamonds," but with vodka, tears, and a warrant for arrest thrown in.

"Gangham Smell"

This bold cologne would bring to mind the aroma of a South Korean discotheque, complete with chubby dancing guys in suits, and droning dub step beats looped ad infinitum.

"Taylor Lautner's Butt"

Ever wanted to smell like Taylor Lautner's butt? This fragrance could make that a dream a reality. Why his butt? Well, would you really want to smell like his brain?

"Chewy: cologne for Wookies"

With all that body hair, it's tough for a Wookie to maintain that fresh, right out of the shower feeling, and today's modern Wookie can't spend all day licking himself, especially when he's chilling at the cantina with his Wooks. Chewy is a fragrance for today's modern Wookie, with a gentle bouquet that brings to mind the smell of laser fire, Millennium Falcons, and wet dogs.

"John Cougar Smellencamp"

Ever want to smell like 80s rocker John Cougar Mellencamp? No? Why not?!! He wrote such timeless hits as "Jack and Diane" and "Hurt so Good". Who wouldn't want to smell like a poor man's Bruce Springsteen??? What's wrong with you?

"Rank Perspiration"

Ever get tired of always having a fresh, clean smell? Ever want to smell like you've been lifting weights for days on end without a shower? Rank Perspiration is the unisex fragrance for you. Just one dab and you're smelling horrible all day and you don't even have to do any rigorous exercise to get that way. How could this one not be a big seller???

What do you think would be the worst cologne ever?

Tags: taylor lautner, cologne, beauty, life, funniest, lindsay lohan, pizza hut

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About the Author
Vadim Newquist

Vadim Newquist is a writer, director, actor, animator, fire fighter, stunt driver, martial arts instructor, snake wrangler and time traveling bounty hunter who scales tall buildings with his bare hands and wrestles sharks in his spare time. He can do ten consecutive backflips in one jump, make cars explode with his mind, and can give fifty people a high-five at once without even lifting his hands. He holds multiple PhDs in nuclear physics, osteopathic medicine, behavioral psychology, breakdancing, and chilling out. He currently resides in Gotham City inside his stately mansion with his butler Alfred and his two cats.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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