Skip over navigation

Mindhut

Blogging Hostess: Pies!

Blogging Hostess: Pies!

By Josh Perilo

In our attempts to gather together all of the Hostess products that once were, we have had to scour the internet. Our search has lead us to many an Ebay hoarder and we have had to take "Best by" and freshness dates with a grain of salt. And that hasn't really mattered too much... until now. Apparantly, unlike fine wine, Hostess Pies do not get better with age. Dear readers, take this as a warning. Sometimes the dates on food are serious. The following is a culinary cautionary tale:

Josh Perilo

Cherry Pie
I’m beginning to think that this was not a good idea. The texture is worrisome. The “crust” gives way with a sort of soggy sigh and I literally had to pull the pie away from my face (with considerable force) to dislodge what I can only assume was, at some point, a “cherry." The flavor was cherry-like… sort of how Triaminic cough syrup is sorta grape-like. All in all, a pastry fail. D

Apple Pie
I don’t… I can’t. This was beyond words bad. Spit out. Start over. F

Chocolate Pudding Pie
After the fruit pies, this was a sweet and creamy relief. Which is sad, because it wasn’t very good, either. The crust was at least a tad crisper than the other two pies. The pudding filling was still pudding-y. It even tasted like chocolate. But good? Um… not really. It’s just TOO sweet. Like my tongue was being bombarded by sugar bombs. I know it’s a dessert but it was just too much. C-

Dan Bergstein

Cherry Pie
Oh God, no. This is bad. This is sit-down-we-need-to-talk bad. The flavor is more artificial than a robot’s love. It doesn’t taste like cherry. It just tastes like sweet sadness. But the texture is the difficult hurdle. Like the apple pie, it’s chewy. Pie shouldn’t be chewy. It should not feel like wet tissues in your mouth. I ate it, but afterwards I felt ashamed and nauseous. I’d rather be eating vegetables. D-

Apple Pie
I couldn’t swallow it. There’s something wrong about the taste and texture. Odor too. The pie is horrifically chewy, like jerky. It’s not right and my mouth immediately wanted to reject it. I listened to my mouth, this time, and couldn’t finish it. Also, why is the pie black? Is this mince meat? Do not eat. F+

Chocolate Pudding Pie
Now this isn’t bad. It’s not good either, but after eating unholy pockets of evil, the pudding was a nice surprise. The texture is far more consistent, with no funny chunks to deal with. And the pudding tastes like old chocolate pudding. The crust is iffy, but you can just suck out the pudding in a very classy and sophisticated maneuver I call “Pudding Mining.” If you have to eat one of these snack pies, eat this one. C-

What's the worst dessert you've ever had?

Tags: dan bergstein, desserts, mistakes, life, pies, reviews, josh perilo, blogging hostess

Write your own comment!