According to top game-makers at Hasbro, one Monopoly token is about to get sent directly to jail—forever.
Based on a public election open until February 5th, the next edition of Monopoly will unceremoniously swap one old token for a totally new one. This is devastating news, unless you play any of Monopoly's hundred-or-so theme variations, in which case the announcement resonates kind of like a whimpering fart in football stadium.
Regardless! Monopoly may not be our preferred way to spend an evening at home, but those eight silver game tokens will always occupy a special place in our hearts and minds, basically right next to the dark corner where we remember all the names of Pokemon. The game is part of our childhood! So we're definitely going to vote.
Some confirmed candidates for the new piece include a helicopter, a robot with a mustache, a kitty cat, etc…but we don't really see how any of that is "more representative of today's Monopoly players," as one Hasbro VP tells it. We're far more interested in the bottom-tier contenders, so ill-regarded you probably wont read about them anywhere else. That hard-hitting investigative journalism is exactly what we're here for. So, here are the 10 new tokens you probably definitely wont see in the next edition of Monopoly:
A clever representation of the modern job market, but Hasbro's characterization of all bloggers as chubby, lonely, glasses-wearing dweebs is offensive. Everyone at The MindHut has six twelve fifteen-pack abs, and at least three girlfriends apiece. Yes—even Allison. Get it together, Hasbro. He doesn't even fit in the race car.
2. Fried Chicken
More bullcrap. We ate like 30 of these tokens and don't even feel full. All we got were these lousy psychedelic hallucinations. Worthless. BTW, if Colonel Sanders shows up in your shower tonight, please tell him we found his rainbow milk.
3. Korg Synthesizer
A preposterous sign of good faith that this new "electronic music" craze will last more than a few more weeks.
4. World of Warcraft Subscription
According to official game copy for this piece: "You don't have to be doing this, you know. Sitting here, with your family, arguing about fake money hour upon hour, night upon interminable night. Wouldn't you rather go level up your healer a little more? Raid Onyxia's Lair, maybe loot that drakeskin thong you've so wanted? Hm? Well, the option is on the table. You think about it."
5. Broomstick (Non-Magical)
Monopoly was introduced to America in 1935, during the country's Great Depression. You wanna talk about a REAL National Depression? How about chores. Amirite, guys? High five.
6. Broomstick (Magical)
Psh...It's all about enchanted rider-mowers these days, anyway.
7. Bag of Toenails
Oops, actually this should be on our list of pieces "we already voted for, six or seven times." Sorry for the mixup.
8. Stupid Broken Cell Phone
A tragic reminder of that night our smartphone almost died for good. One second it was in our hands—then, all of a sudden, it was ricocheting off our brother's head. Then again. And again. He shouldn't have hijacked our twitter like that. Now we have to play Temple Run on a broken screen…and he may never run again.
9. Higgs Boson
A nice idea, in theory, but it just takes way too much time and money to locate at the beginning of every round.
10. A Penny
Don't front, Clumsy McTokenLoser. You know you'll end up using one sooner or later.
Vote to save your favorite token here.
Which Monopoly piece will you vote to keep?
Which piece should we ditch forever?