Geek Identification Field Guide
The Mindhut is the Kingdom of the Geeks. And if you’re reading this article, you have stumbled into our kingdom. Maybe you belong here. Or maybe you’re scared, confused, and reminded of that one time you went to a midnight movie premier, a college library, or your friend Joey’s mom’s basement. But do not panic! Us geeks are a kindly people as long as you know how to properly engage us. And by being observant and relying on the following guide, you can learn exactly which breed of geek you are dealing with and how to interact with them.
Subgenre One: The Nerd
Physical Attributes: Scotch-taped glasses, pocket protectors, and a shirt tucked into pants pulled up past the navel.
Powers: A vast knowledge of physics, arithmetic, and mating habits of the area’s indigenous dragons
Weaknesses: Trying to rationally argue about your favorite superhero
Catch Phrases: “Call me the dungeon master”
How to win them over: Blind them with science
Subgenre Two: The Dork
Physical Attributes: Comic book teeshirt, Crocs, underwear pulled out of pants and occasionally over head.
Powers: None have surfaced yet… but they’re getting very close to developing a spidey sense after hours of practicing infront of the mirror.
Weaknesses: Many. Mainly, literal physical weakness.
Catch Phrases: “BAZINGA!” and excessive wheezing
How to win them over: Quote Uncle Ben (from Spiderman… not the rice)
Subgenre Three: Bandies
Physical Attributes: Letterman jacket (not the cool kind), instrument case, braces, and sometimes a hat with a big feather on it (also not the cool kind)
Powers: In synch with a large supportive army
Weaknesses: Being at every football game yet still not being cool
Catch Phrases: “My mom's picking me up at 4:30” and “Sax is better in the band room”
How to win them over: Role model roll-stepping
Subgenre Four: The Gleek
Physical Attributes: Nicki Minaj teeshirt, tight pants, bright colors, suspiciously large quantities of hair product/makeup, and an excess of fabulousness
Powers: Can summon a physical chorus from a place of deep emotional turmoil
Weaknesses: An inability to have normal conversations without breaking into song and dance
Catch Phrases: “Finnchel Forever!” and “This would be better explained… IN SONG!”
How to win them over: With a jazzy dance number and some well-coordinated accessories.
Subgenre Five: Trekkies
Physical Attributes: Star Trek Merch (obviously!), communication badges, fake phasers (Set to stun), and acne.
Powers: Fluent in Klingon. Masters of the Vulcan nerve pinch.
Weaknesses: Klingons, jocks, Romulans, bullies, The Borg and Tribbles… those damn Tribbles
Catch Phrases: “Beam me up!” “Live long and prosper.” and “Make it so.”
How to win them over: By exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations, and boldly going where no one has gone before.
Subgenre Six: Techies
Physical Attributes: Polo, khakis, possibly a black turtleneck, bloodshot eyes, unnaturally gray skin from continuous glow of a computer screen, and an apple logo somewhere on their body.
Powers: They hang out at a bar of geniuses.
Weaknesses: Face-to-face social interaction
Catch Phrases: “Theres an app for that”
How to win them over: With minimal improvements and a $300 price increase to a slightly superior product
Subgenre Seven: Twi-hards
Physical Attributes: Team Edward/Jacob pride, fake vampire teeth, and various other Hot Topic merchandise
Powers: Dynamic mindsets allow them to associate corpse-eating with love
Catch Phrases: “I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.” (like the New Moon movie)
How to win them over: Take Taylor Lautner’s shirt off
Which subgenre of Geek are you?